Bad Credit Small Business Loans Knowledge Base
I want a loan to make money. Small business loans/credit cards for ppl with bad credit? Exponential growth? My house was robbed and all my jewellery and money stolen a couple of years ago. I was about to run a small home business with the money and assets i had saved doing security work. As I didnt have insurance, I got into debt and had to move so I didnt get hit again. Now I have bad credit, is there anyway I can get a loan with bad credit??? I only need a small credit card to help me juggle things. I am now trying to run a business again, but dont nearly have the start or the credit ratings as i previously did, I am still a student and was hoping to run a business in my part-time. I am still making about 50-100% profit per month turnover from my money and business. With this type of turnover even a small loan of 1-2k would grow my business exponentially. Even 10-20% p.a would be nothing for me to juggle around. I know it takes money to make money but I cant seem to get over that 1k-2k hill to start my business growing exponentially. Any tips other than saving or selling my assets?
small business loans for someone with bad credit? I have been in the medical field for 27yrs and need to change due to health issues. I have and opportunity to buy an existing coffee shop for 400k. I am a women with bad credit due to medical bills. Can I still find a loan and where do I go to find it in NM? I am in a hurry to get things going I have been working with the current owners to get all the info I need so I can put together an accurate business plan to present.
Need small business bad credit loan....no collateral...anyone?? I am in need of a small business loan to help with start up. I am just looking for $10000. This would help with lease securement and cash. I think I will have someone to help with the larger and more long term financing needs, but I am in need of a small loan quick. I don't want to lose my lease prospect. I can submit to you a business plan. I am willing to pay a higher interest rate due to my personal credit. I just need someone to believe in my venture other than me, and for someone to overlook my credit and past personal mistakes and to believe in my future. I thank anyone who takes the time to answer my request.
How do I take out a small business loan with bad credit? Hello. If I have a really good idea for a business but have poor credit. Are there any institutions at all that will grant me a loan if I take out money under a corporation and not under my own name? I consulted a banker about this and he said that Banks will still look at my credit rating. I thought that a corporation was supposed to be a separate legal entity? What gives?
Can I get a small business loan for 15k with bad credit and no assests? I am a stay at home mother starting up a claims and billing business. My current income comes from my husband. I do not own anything under my name. We are currently renting and my credit score is in the mid 500's. I would like to try to get this loan on MY OWN, but my husband is willing to be my co-borrower if needed. His credit score is in the mid-low 600's and he earns between 45,000 to 50,000 a year. Can I get a loan to start my own business or is my situation so bad that it will just be a dream? Someone please tell me who can help me or just give me a reality check!
Help getting a small business loan for bad credit? My dream is to open a photo studio in my home town. My credit is bad, made even worse last year when I tried to buy a house (bad lender). I just got a bank acct, but still not able to get a loan. Is there anyone out there who can help or maybe knows someone who can help???
Can someone with bad credit get a business loan. for a small business? Also Let say i clear my debt up it's not much of a debt under 10,000 so would that still hinder my chances on getting a business loan even if i had a buisness plan created? With my debt clear... Would i have to have a co-signer? does my co-signer need to have good credit! if so would he have good credit if he has made mortage payments for over 3 years? THanks
I need a small business loan with really bad credit. Is this possible? I have read all of the other questions in this category all answers are about the same. Have done some research but serious about needing a loan with bad credit. Bring in $70,000 a yr from job that will be kept!! Need aproximatley $5,000 to $10,000 to start business that I know will take off! The only problem is I have seriously bad credit. No collateral. I know this sounds far fetched, but is it possible? All bad credit is from medical bills or little things.
With bad credit and no seed money... other than government grants how do we get a small business loan? My boyfriend and I are trying to get his company a boost for his backhoe purchase so he can start work for himself. Of course his credit isn't the best and we have no seed money or investors at the moment. The business plan is drawn up and everything has been priced and we even have pending contracts, but we can't get a loan to get it started. I have faith in the operation, but he is fading fast I need some light at the end of the tunnel for him to see if you have any ideas on where to turn or what to try please let me know. We are currently looking into government grants which is about as much pain as trying to get a loan. All advice is welcome. Thank you.
how to get a business loan wih bad credit? I'm looking for information on getting a loan to start a small business. I used to have a partner, but he has since left the business. Any information on this would be of great help. I currently have bad credit, but i do not have enough debt to be anywhere near bankruptcy. The business is a Web Development, Video production, and music production. I don't need the loan for software as we started the business, but he took all the hardware and that is where the loan comes in. anyone that has any information on this please contact me. Charles someone asked what the exact situation between me an my partner was. We were setup as two independent freelance workers. He contributed the hardware(computers, cameras) I own and purchased the software(3d applications, Web Development tools). I do have a business plan, the only problem is I won't be able to use a lot of the software I have due to my personal hardware not meeting requirements, and the make the situation worst, I'm kind of on a deadline because I do have a couple clients, but I don't want to take a deposit until I officially have all the setup working and running properly(which takes time as well). Please do no post scams, I'm not an idoit!
I need a $50,000 small business startup loan, but I have bad or unestablished credit.? I work for a landscaping/sweeping company and my boss asked if I'd like to buy out the sweeping part of the business for $50000, thats including all 15 commercial contracts that he has right now with about 10 other contracts within the year and 2 brand new $40000 sweeper trucks . I basicaly run the business, but I need a startup loan to officiate that.The main reason he is selling is with soaring gas prices and my boss starting up a bar and running landscaping/sweeping he needs to gain more sweeping contracts which equals more time which he doesnt really have time for. If anyone can give me some advice or even help Id greatly appreciate it.
How do I afford opening a restaurant when my credit is bad? I have 30 years experiance, i have a real good concept and menu, but my credit over the years has been tarnished. My beacon is in the range of "credit builder" and I cannot seem to get the loan or backing needed to open a restaurant. How do I find the money? Can I get a small business loan with my kind of credit? Can I find investors? How do I find investors?
trying to start a small business but don't have any funds to start with. credit is bad.? want to own my own business. Been in the restaurant industry for years, so i have the managerial skills to operate my own business. however donot have the money and have bad credit. can I still get a loan or something with the SBA? This is my passion so I need all the help I can get. also looking for a business plan template for a restaurant or donut shop. My plans are awesom for my own little restaurant but at the same time i wanted to try to franchise with this one particular donut shop. Can anyone help me with any or all the information I need. Are there any organizations that help people like myself with nothing to invest with and bad credit?
I need some small business advice, I am starting a small business? I have a website and sell quality products. However I am not driving too many customers to my site. I have a lot of ideas to get customers. The problem is that I don't have the money to get this ideas rolling. I have bad credit and can not get a small business loan. How can I get the money to get my marketing ideas and plans off the drawing board? Does anyone know of free or cheap on-line marketing opportunities? Thanks in advance.
Government grants/ small business startup loans....? I have a business plan, and a building picked out that I would like to purchase. I have looked at several websites including grants.gov and sba.com to find a way of getting the money I need, and haven't had much luck. I would love to get a grant, but it is really hard to find grants that I qualify for. I have horrible credit, so a loan is also going to be difficult to get unless I can find a way to get financed using something other than my own personal credit history. I don't have anyone to co-sign for me, either. However, I am confident that my business will be successful, due to the fact that I have absolutely no competition whatsoever in my area. I also have a unique and sound business plan and some very good ideas. Has anyone here ever gotten a grant for this purpose? How about a business loan with bad credit? Any ideas? Any info would help!! Thanks, all!!
What are the benefits of having a small business? I work for myself, doing music services for people. I'm thinking of "becoming a small business" for tax reasons, and so that I can apply for a small business loan. How do I go about doing this? What are the benefits of having a small business vs. just "working for myself?" Also---I have bad credit (not because I was irresponsible, but because of medical debt.) So what are my chances of being approved for a small business loan?
I have a great buisness how do i get loans or grants with bad credit? I have a great business idea have researched and found wholesale suppliers for great quality and extremely cheap price. I have started selling what few Items i can afford on ebay but problem is with out the inventory to keep people coming back it will not take off and alow me to expand to a website and ideally a local supply store. I am looking for help finding a small business loan or grant, I have extreamly poor credit so not sure about how to about this.
I Have bad credit need a small loan? I have a car repo and two unpaid credit cards .need a small loan to help with my business .IS it possiable to get one(I have two jobs,I am paying the credit cards off)
Small Business Loan with Bad Credit? I am 35 years old and I have worked hard all of my life. I have had a job since I was 14 years old and I was just released from my current job after 10 years because of budget cut.... I have been working part time as a tattoo artist for the last few years and I want to open my own shop, but I have bad credit....I know this is my own fault and I know I can make this shop work!! Does anyone know who to talk to about a loan for a start up business even if you have bad credit....Any help would be great thank to everyone for the help!!!!
Bad Credit....but can I still get a small loan somewhere? I have had things in the past that have dug up my credit. Well now that I'm a lot more responsible but this credit crap still haunts me. I'm trying to open up a small business and I need like 3K loan or whatever I can get!!!! Is there any resources anyone has for me????????
My husband's father ruined my husband's credit, crashed a small business under my husband's name, help!!!! My husband is very young 24 years old. When he was in high school and became of age to have credit, his dad took advantage of him and had my husband borrow loans for him. My husband was very young and naive and he didn't really know anything about credit. Well his father never payed back the debts and left my husband with bad credit. Then about the time my husband was 19, his father convinced him to open a small construction business with employees. Well, everything ended up under my husband's name soley and there were never any attempts to contact an accountant to handle the tax situation. In addition to construction, my husband's father had my husband buy and sell real estate under my husband's name. This went on for about 2 years and my husband being young and naive trusted his dad was doing the right thing and he thought his dad was taking care of everything, because my husband didn't really know anything about a business or taxes. More.... The whole time, my husband was only receiving an hourly income and the only person who was really benifitting from any profit was his father. The business was never closed and no taxes were ever filed. My husband hasn't filed taxes since he was nineteen and he doesn't even know where to start because of the situation his father put him in. My husband and I can't afford an accountant so we don't know what to do. His father is no help either. We are just stuck and we just want to make things right. We just don't know where to go or where to start. Also, I'm sure there are plenty of receipts and paperwork missing so I don't even know what we would give to an accountant. We are just so scared that my husband owes a large amount of money in taxes and it's all his father's fault. Of course on paper it doesn't look that way. Help!! We can't afford an accountant or a lawyer. I don't even know what they would charge us.
business loan? what websites or companys can u apply for a small business loan if credit is bad( if personal credit score is 560)
Business line of credit? My husband and I own and operate a small business with aout 300,000.00 in sales each year. we have grown VERY quickly. We now need a small business line of credit or loan to obtain more equipment. We applied through bank of america. Our credit scores are not bad. They ranging from 640-715. They denied us for stupid reasons. (not having enough personal credit history...my husband is 30 hes had credit forever!) Now, we are frustrated! has anyone else had a problem or found a company that is easy to work with good credit? Its ridiculous that everything in life revolves around a computer generated FICO score. Any advice?
bad credit stupid reasons? I have a bad credit score for stupid bills in the past cellular, magazines, doctors, all stupid i know but now a little out of hand probably around $6,000 to $9,000 total I just don't have much to put on them without falling into a struggle to survive the week I am trying to get a small business loan and working on my business plan.
can you find grants or loans for starting a small business? I am a student with poor credit trying to start a trucking business. I am unemployed and don't see anywhy of altering my credit score so how can i find and qwalify for a grant or loan? a friend who started his own business said ther out ther but i cant find anything that directly applies to me. plus standerd loans wont work becouse the banks want co-singers but my partner and the only person willing also has a bad credit history so the bank keep saying no. If anyone knows anything please! I would try getting a credit card or somthing to improve my score but i have the same problem ther with co-singers and also bing unemployed. the last company i talked to wanted my ot be 25 but im 21.
$300k small business loan... Pipe dream or possible? I have a golden opportunity to buy an existing profitable business, the owner is moving to be closer to family, and doesn't want to sell to just anyone. I don't have bad credit, but I don't have much established credit either. I'm in grad school right now for an MBA and want to pounce on this chance. I have managed to pay off my undergrad student loans that were in my name already, so that should count for something right? I don't know if the SBA would even think about loaning me my half in order to make the deal happen (I'd be going in 50/50 with a partner). I won't say what the business is, but I/we do have experience in the industry, and like I said, I'm going for an MBA, so it's not like we're two bums off the street starting up something from scratch. It's more like two guys who already know what they're doing continuing to run an existing and profitable business. Possible, or pipe dream? (I know, $300,000 is a LOT of money)
where can i get a small business loan for my mary kay business? I have bad credit becouse someone stole my idenity years ago and it still shows up on the credit reports. i have 2 children and this business is great for working moms with little time. but It is so much easyer to have product on the shelf. to work with does anyone have any ideas?
I want to expand my home business but I have bad credit. Does anyone have any advice on getting a loan? I've been operating a small business offering administrative support to entrepreneurs and other small business owners. I am ready to launch my business to the next level by attaining office space and a more professional image. However, because of my credit I am unable to get a loan from anywhere. I've tried numerous places even online and still nothing. I have two small children so I am not really in a position to save. I currently work out of my home office but I want to market to more possible clients but I really need a more professional look. HELP!!!!!
THere are some VERY BAD people out there. PLEASE ADVISE????????????????????? a friend of mine is in a bind. please give any advice you my have. her mom, who is "old fashioned" has always depended on using cash and has never appllied for a credit card, or needed to apply for a loan, buy a home, or anything that required a credit check. that is until two months ago, when my friends mom and her went to the bank to try and have her mom co-sign for a small business loan. her mom should have been approved right? but the bank said that her credt was very bad. this is when they ordered a report from a credit agency..... they found out that someone in the human resources department of where her mom works that has a known gambling problem used her mom's information to apply for credit and list her name as "AKA". this means that my friends mom would have her credit and her reputaion damaged right? please help me to help my friend. what can we do about this person who used my friend's mom's identity as her own?????? is this what you call identity theft??? also, how can we proove that this person did this to my friend's mom's credit? i mean, she could easily say that she didnt do it and that it is probably a mistake right? or she could even say that her friends mom did this to get her in trouble since they never liked each other and she doesnt care about her credit anyway??? i know all of this sounds tooo crazy, but i also know this person in the human resources department and she is very evil and manipulative. there are some in this world who never seem to get what they deserve... how is this possible? how do some people seem to do bad things and possibly get away from it???
When someone uses YOUR SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER and messes up your credit!!!!!!!!!!!!? a friend of mine is in a bind. please give any advice you my have. her mom, who is "old fashioned" has always depended on using cash and has never appllied for a credit card, or needed to apply for a loan, buy a home, or anything that required a credit check. that is until two months ago, when my friends mom and her went to the bank to try and have her mom co-sign for a small business loan. her mom should have been approved right? but the bank said that her credt was very bad. this is when they ordered a report from a credit agency..... they found out that someone in the human resources department of where her mom works that has a known gambling problem used her mom's information to apply for credit and list her name as "AKA". this means that my friends mom would have her credit and her reputaion damaged right? please help me to help my friend. what can we do about this person who used my friend's mom's identity as her own?????? is this what you call identity theft??? also, how can we proove that this person did this to my friend's mom's credit? i mean, she could easily say that she didnt do it and that it is probably a mistake right? or she could even say that her friends mom did this to get her in trouble since they never liked each other and she doesnt care about her credit anyway??? i know all of this sounds tooo crazy, but i also know this person in the human resources department and she is very evil and manipulative. there are some in this world who never seem to get what they deserve... how is this possible? how do some people seem to do bad things and possibly get away from it???
i want to open a small business...what do i need to do? I have bad/terrible credit history, but will like to open a business...does anybody know any bank that loans money with people who has bad credit? Does anybody know what I must do first to open a small business in San Diego California. ( i want to sell/rent party rental supplies)
bad creidt in past.....anyone have resources?? Bad Credit....but can I still get a small loan somewhere? I have had things in the past that have dug up my credit. Well now that I'm a lot more responsible but this credit crap still haunts me. I'm trying to open up a small business and I need like 3K loan or whatever I can get!!!! Is there any resources anyone has for me????????
Where is the best place to get small business financing? I just started a landscaping business about a year ago. I ran into very hard times in the fall and got behind on my payments which really screwed up my credit. Now I am full with jobs for almost this whole summer but I need a loan to combined all my loans into one to make it easier to make the payments but I can't get a loan with my bad credit.
Mother loaned money to me for my company thru a line of credit against her house and business shut down.Help!? I owned a small corporation and my mother took out a interest only line of credit loan against her free and clear house and loaned it to me for my buisness. my buisness did not work and was forced to shut down.Is thier any way my mothers loan can be forgivin with either because of a "bad investment" without losing her house.Is thier anything i could do or any channels i may go down to investigate this further? I at this point am paying only the interest on it personally every month.
How can I get $500k loan with bad credit? Its for a small business venture. It would allow me to pay off debt in short time even at high interest rate. (Or am I just dreaming? Actually hoping to find someone with enough "pocket change" that they wouldn't miss the money for about five years and wouldn't mind extra cash in the end with the interest.)
I NEED your advice to help my friends mom. URGENT . PLEASE!? a friend of mine is in a bind. please give any advice you my have. her mom, who is "old fashioned" has always depended on using cash and has never appllied for a credit card, or needed to apply for a loan, buy a home, or anything that required a credit check. that is until two months ago, when my friends mom and her went to the bank to try and have her mom co-sign for a small business loan. her mom should have been approved right? but the bank said that her credt was very bad. this is when they ordered a report from a credit agency..... they found out that someone in the human resources department of where her mom works that has a known gambling problem used her mom's information to apply for credit and list her name as "AKA". this means that my friends mom would have her credit and her reputaion damaged right? please help me to help my friend. what can we do about this person who used my friend's mom's identity as her own?????? is this what you call identity theft??? also, how can we proove that this person did this to my friend's mom's credit? i mean, she could easily say that she didnt do it and that it is probably a mistake right? or she could even say that her friends mom did this to get her in trouble since they never liked each other and she doesnt care about her credit anyway??? i know all of this sounds tooo crazy, but i also know this person in the human resources department and she is very evil and manipulative. there are some in this world who never seem to get what they deserve... how is this possible? how do some people seem to do bad things and possibly get away from it???
PLEASE help us figure what to do about this EVIL person who stole someones identity?????? a friend of mine is in a bind. please give any advice you my have. her mom, who is "old fashioned" has always depended on using cash and has never appllied for a credit card, or needed to apply for a loan, buy a home, or anything that required a credit check. that is until two months ago, when my friends mom and her went to the bank to try and have her mom co-sign for a small business loan. her mom should have been approved right? but the bank said that her credt was very bad. this is when they ordered a report from a credit agency..... they found out that someone in the human resources department of where her mom works that has a known gambling problem used her mom's information to apply for credit and list her name as "AKA". this means that my friends mom would have her credit and her reputaion damaged right? please help me to help my friend. what can we do about this person who used my friend's mom's identity as her own?????? is this what you call identity theft??? also, how can we proove that this person did this to my friend's mom's credit? i mean, she could easily say that she didnt do it and that it is probably a mistake right? or she could even say that her friends mom did this to get her in trouble since they never liked each other and she doesnt care about her credit anyway??? i know all of this sounds tooo crazy, but i also know this person in the human resources department and she is very evil and manipulative. there are some in this world who never seem to get what they deserve... how is this possible? how do some people seem to do bad things and possibly get away from it???
How do I open my own business?? My wife and I want to open a small business and have no idea what we need to do. Can we still do it if you personal credit file is bad? If so, how do we do it, who do we contact and where do we go? Do we need any initial capital or would it be easier to get a loan, even though my credit is bad?
Does anyone know a lender or investor that can help me with a start up loan with no resources and bad credit? I do have my business plan. I got help with it from a member of SCORE from the SBA. I am trying to build a restaurant. Yes it is new. A building has come up for sale that would work to become established. I do not have the money to invest of my own. I need either a 100% start up loan or a combination of loans. A private investor or even a co-signer for future pay on considered investment. I don't how this could be done. I have some ideas but getting a lender to them is another story. If I could come up with some money, I might be able to get the owner to carry a portion. The building is on a 21,166 Sq. Ft. Paved corner lot. The building is a free standing 3,028 Sq Ft. Structure built in 1973. Yearly taxes are $5,315.00. It is anchored. Price $415,000.00. I am trying to get a $500,000.00 loan to remodel, equip, stock and get the place open with operating capital and a very small cushion to start making repayment. I do have experience in this as well as Management exp. from previous.
Need help with small loan ... there has to be someone out there who will help.? Hi, i have just about given up. this is a last resort. after a bad relationship wich included fraud, I am left with bad credit. and because of illness i haven't been able to work. so i started my own graphic design business to try and make some sort of income. Now I need to buy a new comp. as my old one but the dust. I need 4k, but could maybe make do with less. I fear I will lose everything if i can't get help. so if there is possibly someone out there with a sympathetic and generous soul that can lend me the money. wich i will sign a contract as for repayment. or even point me in the right direction. keep in mind i am self employed and getting loans are super hard. Thanks for listening!
I want to stay at home and work, help?!? So basically I just had a son, and would like to work from home. I have the idea, I want to help schools and organizations raise money. However, I need some help with the startup costs. With my bad credit I know I cannot get a loan. Does anyone know of any other ideas for small business funding, I am desperate.
Need small laon for 3 months? I have a small company and our work truck died. I have a chance to replace it, but need a loan. Hard to believe but I built the business without ever establishing a credit line or much of a credit history. Now I need 3,000.00 for 3 months (3 month is a worse case scenario) quite often a single job can pay off this loan but don't want to promise anything I can't deliver. Who or wear do I look for such a short term loan? Info on Collateral If I through both cars I own and all my camera equipment into the pot it may come out to about 2,000.00
New List Of Jokes? "Hello?", "Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?" "No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul." After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul." "Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now." Brief Pause. "Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway." "Okay Daddy, just a minute." A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy." "And what happened honey?" he asked. Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!" "Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?" "He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead." ***Long Pause*** ***Longer Pause*** ***Even Longer Pause*** Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? .... Is this 486-5731?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom? The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf." "Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun. So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant, and she preceded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand! Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?" "Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?" "But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun. "You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat sitting at the end of the bar with a great big smile on his face. Mike says, "Pat, what are you so happy for?" "Well Mike, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me.. tits out to here, Mike. Tits out to here! She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Mike. I turned off the key and I said 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Mike. She couldn't swim!" The next day Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat sitting at the end of the bar with a even bigger smile on his face. Mike says, "What are you happy about today Pat?" "Well Mike.... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me...tits out to here, Mike. Tits out to here! She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I told her 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Mike. Way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said, 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Mike! She couldn't swim!" A couple days pass and Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat down there cryin' over a beer. Mike says, "Pat, what are you so sad for?" "Well Mike, I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me... tits WAY out to here, Mike. Tits WAY out to here. She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' So I said, 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Mike, way WAY out... much further than the last two. I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said 'It's either screw or swim!' She pulled down her pants and.....She had a pecker, Mike! She had this great BIG pecker! ... and I can't swim Mike! I can't swim!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! . Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time." The lady can't take this any more, "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig," she retorted indignantly. "In this country. we don't speak aloud in Public places about our sex lives." "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin'abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'." (I bet you're gonna read this joke again!) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Some of the lesser known, new phobias... "Hey, this is a nude beach. I ain't getting in that cold water!" - Shrinkaphobia "Get that fucking vodka bottle away from me!!" - Carmenelectraphobia "He's coming straight for us -- with his left turn signal on!" - Oldfartophobia "You have to push 'Start' to turn the damn computer off?!" - Windophobia "No! Don't call the plumber!!!" - Buttcrackaphobia "No, I don't want to watch 'Friends'. That blonde chick freaks me out." - Phoebephobia "Um, Doctor, why are you putting on that rubber glove?" - Probeophobia "You're busy Saturday? Well, how about next weekend then?" ~ Rentanotherpornophobia -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Okay, Okay, it all makes sense now... I never looked at it this way before: MENtal illness MENstrual cramps MENtal breakdown MENopause GUYnecologist And when we have REAL trouble, it's a... HISterectomy Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. â??But, officer,â?? the man began, â??I can explainâ?? â??Just be quiet,â?? snapped the officer. â??Iâ??m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.â?? â??But, officer, I just wanted to sayâ?? â??And I said to keep quiet! Youâ??re going to jail!â?? A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, â??Lucky for you that the chiefâ??s at his daughterâ??s wedding. Heâ??ll be in a good mood when he gets back.â?? â??Donâ??t count on it,â?? answered the fellow in the cell. â??Iâ??m the groom.â?? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 3 men where at the FBI Building for a job interview. The first man walked into the office . The interviewing FBI agent said "To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun." The man took the gun, hesitated, and said "Sorry, I can't do it." The next interviewee came into the office. The Agent said "To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun." The man took the gun, walked into the room, then walked out. "Sorry," he said. The last man came into the office. The interviewer said "To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun." The man took the gun and went into the room. The Agent heard 6 shots, silence, then a lot of screaming. The man came out of the room and said "Someone loaded the gun with blanks, so I beat her to death with the curtain railing!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A couple were driving to a church to get married. On the way, they got into a car accident and died. When they arrive in heaven, they see St. Peter at the gate. They ask him if he could arrange it so they could marry in heaven. St. Peter tells them that he'll do his best to work on it for them. Three months pass by and the couple hear nothing. They bump into St. Peter and ask him about the marriage. He says, "I'm still working on it." Two years pass by and no marriage. St. Peter again assures them that he's working on it. Finally after twenty long years, St. Peter comes running with a priest and tells the couple it's time for their wedding. The couple marry and live happily for a while. But after a few months the couple go and find St. Peter and tell him things are not working out, and that they want to get a divorce. "Can you arrange it for us?" they ask. St. Peter replies, "Are you kidding?! It took me twenty years to find a priest up here. How am I gonna find you a lawyer?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- One day while jogging, a middle-aged man noticed a tennis ball lying by the side of the walk. Being fairly new and in good condition, he picked the ball up, put it in his pocket and proceeded on his way. Waiting at the cross street for the light to change, he noticed a beautiful blond standing next to him smiling. "What do you have in your pocket?", she asked. "Tennis ball,? the man said smiling back. "Wow," said the blond looking upset. "That must hurt. I once had tennis elbow and the pain was unbearable!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Soon after our last child left home for college, my husband was resting next to me on the couch with his head in my lap. I carefully removed his glasses. "You know, honey," I said sweetly, "Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married." "Honey," he replied with a grin, "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good, too!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "I'm worried that I'm losing my wife's love," the husband told the counselor. "Has she started to neglect you?" "Not at all," the dejected man replied. "She meets me at the door with a cold drink and a warm kiss. My shirts are always ironed, she's a great cook, the house is always neat, she keeps the kids out of my hair. She lets me choose the television shows we watch and she never objects to sex or says she has a headache." "So what's the problem?" "Maybe I'm just being too sensitive," the husband ventured, "but at night, when she thinks I'm sleeping, she puts her lips close to my ear and whispers, 'Die! You son of a bitch, die!'" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A guy walks into a bar and shouts, "When I drink, everybody drinks!". Everybody is cheering him and applauding like crazy. Feeling great, he finishes his beer, asks for another one and shouts, "When I drink again, everybody drinks again!". Once again, everybody is cheering him, he is the hero of the bar. When he is done drinking, he pulls out his wallet and shouts, "When I pay, everybody pays!". -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A psychiatrist is addressing a group of people who have all had experiences with the supernatural. He asks: "Who here has seen a ghost?" Everyone puts up their hands. He then asks: "Who here has spoken with a ghost?" Half the audience puts up their hands. "And who here has touched a ghost?" Ten percent of the crowd puts up their hands. He asks: "And who here has made love with a ghost?" One little man in the back row puts up his hand... The psychiatrist looks down from the podium at the little man and says: "Do you mean to tell me that you have made love with a ghost?" The man replies, "Oh No! I'm sorry. I couldn't hear you correctly. I thought you said 'goat'." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics: 1. 29 have been accused of spousal abuse 2. 7 have been arrested for fraud 3. 19 have been accused of writing bad checks 4. 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses 5. 3 have done time for assault 6. 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit 7. 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges 8. 8 have been arrested for shoplifting 9. 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits 10. 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year Can you guess which organization this is? Give up yet? It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group of idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- One day, at a local buffet, a man suddenly called out, â??â??my son's choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!'' A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped over with almost no look of concern at all, wrapped his hands around the boy's gonads and squeezed. Out popped the quarter. The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened. ''Thank you! Thank you!'' the father cried. ''Are you a paramedic?'' ''No,'' replied the man, ''I work for the IRS." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A mother took her little boy to church. While in church the little boy said, "Mommy, I have to pee." The mother said to the little boy, "It's not appropriate to say the word 'pee' in church. So, from now on whenever you have to 'pee' just tell me that you have to 'whisper.'" The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, "Daddy, I have to whisper." The father looked at him and said, "Okay, why don't you whisper in my ear." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel." "I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents." "The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37." "Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Osama Bin-Laden started believing in astrology and went to a special astrologist to ask him when will be the day he dies. "You will die on an American holiday", said the astrologist. "How can you be so sure of that?" asked Bin-Laden. "Well, any day you die will be an American holiday". -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A young woman was pulled over in Nashville, Tennessee for speeding. As the Tennessee State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Tennessee State Police Ball." He replied, "Tennessee State Troopers don't have balls." There was a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- In Lakewood, a Tennessee State Trooper was running radar. He had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting any. Then he discovered the problem. A 12 year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD!" The officer later found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading, "TIPS" and a bucket full of money. (And we said to just sell lemonade!) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A boy went to his grandfather's house for a week. On the first night at dinner he found a thick, slimy goo on his plate, so he said to his grandfather "Grandpa is this plate clean?" "As clean as cold water can get them." his grandfather answered. This went on for the rest of the week. On the last day when the boy was leaving the dog wouldn't let him through. So he said "Grandpa your dog won't let me through." His grandfather replied "Cold Water go lie down" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- There was this little boy that read an article one day. It was about this man holding a world record of holding poop in his hand for the longest time (25 years). So the boy decided that he was going to poop in his hand. So the boy went off to school the next day, with the poop in his hand. The teacher noticed that he kept his hand closed, so she told the boy to open her hand. "No." "Open your hand." "No." "Why wont you open your hand?" "Cause there's a little green goblet inside and if I open my hand, I scared he's gonna run away and I'm never gonna see him again." "OK. I'm sending you to the principal's office. The kid went to the principal's off and the principal to the boy to open his hand. "No." "Open your hand." "No." "Why wont you open your hand?" "Cause there's a little green goblet inside and if I open my hand, I scared he's gonna run away and I'm never gonna see him again." "Fine. Your suspended." So the boy went home and his mother told him to open his hand. "No." "Open your hand." "No." "Why wont you open your hand?" "Cause there's a little green goblet inside and if I open my hand, I scared he's gonna run away and I'm never gonna see him again." "OPEN YOUR HAND." "No." So the mother slapped the boy's hand, and the boy said, "Look mom you scared the crap out of him." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. What is the difference between growing old and growing up? A. Growing old is mandatory. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. What is the difference between Iraq's air force and the United States' Air Force? A. The U.S. pilots break ground and fly into the wind. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- There was this atheist and he was in the woods. And suddenly he heard some leaves cracking. He looked behind and there was a huge bear behind him. He started running and running and soon the bear was right on top of him and his paw was on top of him like he was going to swat him but suddenly he saw this big light appear and said; "For all these years you have despised me and now you call for my help." The atheist said, "I'm sorry God. If you can't help me, can't you at least turn the bear into a Christian? Then the light disappeared. Then the bear knelt down and said, "Bless me Lord for this meal I'm about to receive!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man reading a magazine in his sitting room sat opposite his son, who was having dinner. He, the son had two cakes in his plate. After watching his plate for a while, he said to his dad, "Daddy, I can prove that there are three cakes in ma plate," "Go ahead," his dad urged him. So the son pointed at the first cake and said, "This is one," Then, pointing to the third, he said, "This is two. One and two make three." "Genius," his father praised. "Now let me have the first cake, your mother the second and you the third." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A little boy was doing his Geography homework one evening and turned to his father and said, "Daddy, where would I find the Andes?" "Don't ask me," said his father. "Ask your mother. She puts everything away in this house." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man on a bike was stopped at the border by police assigned to investigate goods transported across both states. He carried a bag of sand. On perusing through however, the cop found nothing else in the bag and therefore let him go. The next day this man was stopped with his bike and a bag of sand and the same process carried out. Again, he was let off when the cop found nothing illegal. This sequence carried on for three years. One day both men, the cop and the bike guy, met at a pub. "Tell me, man," said the cop, "I promise I will not tell anyone; but what were you smuggling all those years?" Surprised, the man looked at this professional, laughed and shrugged. "Bicycles," he said. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A stupid man was walking briskly when he met another equally "intelligent" fellow. The former was carrying a basket with a dozen eggs. He said to the latter, "Tell me what is in this basket and I'll give you six eggs, and tell me how many they are and I'll give all the dozen eggs." The latter said, "Please give some more hints!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Wife: There's something preying on my mind. Husband: Don't worry, it'll soon die of starvation. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, "What are the grounds for your divorce?" She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property." "I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents." He said, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one." "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is 'yes'." "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes," she responded, "most days he gets up earlier than I do." Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?" "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I never wanted a divorce. It's husband. He says he can't communicate with me." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sex is like poker... if you don't have a good partner you better have a good hand. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Enclosed you will find my 2005 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes. Please note the attached article from the USA Today newspaper, dated 12 November, wherein you will see the Pentagon (Department of Defense) is paying $171.50 per hammer and NASA has paid $600.00 per toilet seat. I am enclosing four (4) toilet seats (valued @ $2,400) and six (6) hammers valued @ $1,029), which I secured at Home Depot, bringing my total remittance to $3,429.00. Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. You can do this inexpensively by sending them one (1) 1.5 " Phillips Head screw (see aforementioned article from USA Today newspaper detailing how H.U.D. pays $22.00 each for 1.5" Phillips Head Screws). One screw is enclosed for your convenience. It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year. Sincerely, A Satisfied Taxpayer -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the Loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind Of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at The blond for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my Car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?" Finally... a smart blonde joke. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man reading a magazine in his sitting room sat opposite his son, who was having dinner. He, the son had two cakes in his plate. After watching his plate for a while, he said to his dad, "Daddy, I can prove that there are three cakes in ma plate," "Go ahead," his dad urged him. So the son pointed at the first cake and said, "This is one," Then, pointing to the third, he said, "This is two. One and two make three." "Genius," his father praised. "Now let me have the first cake, your mother the second and you the third." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- One day Saint Peter and Lucifer were having a problem with their boundaries. The following was their dialogue: Saint Peter: Your fence is a little bit on my side. Lucifer: Yes, but I won't move it an inch. St. Peter: Then I'll sue you. Lucifer: Oh yeah? Where do you think you'll get a lawyer. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Got anything to eat, lady?" asked the tramp. "Do you mind eating last week's leftovers?" "Not at all." "Good. Come back next week then" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Prime Minister Paul Martin, Finance Minister Ralph Goodale, and Revenue Minister John McCallum are flying on the Executive Airbus to a gathering in British Columbia when Martin turns to Goodale and says, chuckling, "You know, I could throw a $1000 bill out the window right now and make someone very happy." Goodale shrugs and replies, "Well, I could throw ten $100 bills out the window and make ten people happy." Not to be outdone, McCallum says, "Well I could throw a hundred $10 bills out the window and make a hundred people happy." The pilot rolls his eyes and says to his co-pilot, "Such arrogant asses back there. Hell, I could throw all three of them out the window and make millions of people happy." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Top 5 Men in a Woman's life are: 1. Doctor. 2. Dentist 3. Coal man. 4. Decorator. 5. Bank manager. A Doctor says to take off your clothes. A Dentist says open wide. A Coal man asks "where do you want it, front or back?" A Decorator says "how do you like it now that itâ??s up?" A Bank manager says "donâ??t take it out youâ??ll lose interest"! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible? A. Samson - he brought the house down. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I shall take you to bed and have my way with you. I will make you ache, shake and sweat until you moan and groan. I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop. I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you. And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days. All my love, The Flu (Now, get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- There once was a nonconformist bird that decided not to fly south for the winter. He said "I've had enough of this flying south every winter, I'll just stay right here on this farm, what's the big deal, anyway?" So he stayed. Winter came and was very cold, the nonconformist bird had never felt such cold weather and was afraid that he might freeze to death. Realizing he had made a big mistake by staying, he headed to a near by barn for shelter. On his way to the barn it began to snow. The poor bird was cold, tired and hungry. "Why did I stay?" he asked himself as he collapsed on the ground. As he lay there covered by the snow, a cow happened by. The cow, feeling the need to relieve himself, crapped right on the bird. At first being angry the bird said, "Who did this horrible thing to me, how dare someone crap on me, I'll get him for this!" The crap was too heavy for him to free himself. But, after a while the crap began to warm him and he forgot all about his anger. In fact he was so warm that he began to sing. A buzzard passing overheard the singing and went down to investigate. As he cleared away the crap to his delight he found the bird. The bird was so happy to be free from the crap that he thanked the buzzard, who then decided to eat the little bird. The moral of this story: Just because someone craps on you, it does not make them your enemy, and just because someone gets you out of the crap, it does not make them your friend. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Forest Service has issued a BEAR WARNING in the national forests for this summer. They're urging everyone to protect themselves by wearing bells and carrying pepper spray. Campers should be alert for signs of fresh bear activity, and they should be able to tell the difference between Black Bear dung and Grizzy Bear dung. Black Bear dung is rather small and round. Sometimes you can see fruit seeds and/or squirrel fur in it. Grizzly Bear dung has bells in it, and smells like pepper spray! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I went into the Shell gas station this morning and asked for five dollars worth of gas. The clerk farted and gave me a receipt. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi...You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year". The guy says, "You're bullshittin' me!" The social worker says, "Yeah, well... you started it." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line. You are in Florida, Miami to be specific. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury. Suddenly you see a man floundering in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer... somehow the man looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is. It's George W. Bush! At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to pull him under. You have two options-you can save the life of G.W. Bush or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful men. So here's the question, and please give an honest answer : Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hillbillies Clem and Maisy Sue get married, then head to the 'community honeymoon shack' up in the holler for the marriage consummating. Along about 11 that night Clem comes shuffling back down the holler and walks into his Ma and Pa's abode. "What you doin' back so soon, boy?" his Pa asks. "Well, Pa, it's this way" Clem starts out, "Maisy Sue and me, we cain't stay married." "And why's thet?" "Well, Pa, yeh see, Maisy Sue, she's a virgin!" To which his father replies "You did good, boy. If she ain't good enuff fer her own kind, she ain't good enuff fer you." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A young boy with a green, yellow and red Mohawk sits next to an old man at the park. After 5 minutes he turns to the old man and says "What are you staring at you never did anything crazy in your life". The old man turns and says "Sure have... I had sex with a peacock years back and I'm wondering if you're my son". -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A woman goes into a restaurant in a small southern town out in the country. She orders the fried chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast, she chokes on a chicken bone. Well, these two country boys in the next booth notice she is choking, and they get up and go over to help her. The first country boy drops his coveralls and bends over, and the second country boy starts licking his butt. She pukes all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat. The country boy pulls his coveralls back up and says to the other excitedly, "You're right Billy Bob, that Hind-Lick Maneuver works like a charm." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Mr. Geraldo says to his doctor, "Doc, I had the worst dream of my life last night. I dreamed I was with twelve of the most beautiful chorus girls in the world. Blondes, brunettes, redheads, and they were all dancing in a row." The psychiatrist says, "Now hold on, Mr. Geraldo. That doesn't sound so terrible." Mr. Geraldo says, "Oh, yeah? I was the third girl from the end." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Who says males can't be pregnant? I'm a male and pregnant with a baby elephant, the trunk's already hangin' out!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- There is a lady laying in bed. At about midnight her husband comes walking in with a sheep under his arm and says " That's the fat pig I've been sleeping with when I'm not sleeping with you." His wife gets a confused look on her face and states " but honey that's not a pig its a sheep." Her husband says " Shut up pig I'm talking to the sheep!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Yo momma so old her birth certificate expired -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Husband: "Honey, why do you usually answer me back with a question when I ask you?" Wife: "Is that what I do?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "You wouldn't sleep with Angelina Jolie for a million dollars, would you?", asked the cuddling wife. "Don't be ridiculous", said the husband. "How am I gonna raise a million dollars?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Mrs. Schmidlap hires a maid with beautiful blonde hair. The first morning, the girl pulls off the hair and says, "I wear a wig, because I was born totally hairless. Not a hair on my body, not even down there." That night, Mrs. Schmidlap tells her husband. He says, "I've never seen anything like that. Please tomorrow, ask her to go into the bedroom and show you. I want to hide in the closet so I can have a look." The next day, Mrs. Schmidlap asks the girl, the two of them go into the bedroom, and the girl strips and shows her. Then the girl says, "I've never seen one with hair on it. Can I see yours?" So Mrs. Schmidlap pulls off her clothes and shows her. That night, Mrs. Schmidlap says to her husband, "I hope you're satisfied, because I was pretty embarrassed when that girl asked to see mine." Her husband says, "You think you were embarrassed...I had the four guys I play poker with in the closet with me." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. What do you call a dear without any eyes? A. No eye dear! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A defendant was on trial for murder. There was very strong evidence indicating guilt, but no corpse had been found. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, decided to try a trick. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom!" He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked, eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally, the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty." With that, the jury retired to deliberate. But after only a few minutes, they came back and pronounced a verdict of guilty. "But how?" the lawyer asked. "You must have had some doubt. I saw all of you stare at the door." "Oh, yes," the jury foreman replied. "We all looked - but your client didn't!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers. "So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe." Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. "You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000." The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon ... "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The only thing stopping your momma from going to Jenny Craig is the door frame. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This could be considered THE ideal world for many men: His son on the cover of a box of Wheaties. His mistress in the centerfold of Playboy. A picture of his wife on the milk carton. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language. He stated how hurricanes at one time were given feminine names and how ships and planes were usually referred to as "she". One of the students raised their hand and asked - "What gender is a computer"? The teacher wasn't certain which it was, so he divided the class into two groups, males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation. The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because: 1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. 3. They're supposed to help solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem. 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model. The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic. 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval. 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What's the difference between women at ages of 8, 18 , 28, 38 and 48? Age 8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story. Age 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed. Age 28 - You don't need to tell her any story and take her to bed. Age 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed. Age 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- December 1 Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards. December 2 Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine. December 3 Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pine cones, fashion a cat-o-nine-tails. Flog gardener. December 4 Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim. December 5 Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself. December 6 Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration. December 7 Debug Windows '2000 December 10 Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth. December 11 Lay Faberge egg. December 12 Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble. December 13 Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts. December 14 Install plumbing in gingerbread house. December 15 Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "Holiday Scents" in case tires are shot out at mall. December 17 Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire. December 19 Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be the same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat. December 20 Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture. December 21 Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks. December 22 Float votive candles in toilet tank. December 23 Seed clouds for white Christmas. Festoon windows with worthless stock. December 24 Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are. December 25 Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color-coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri. December 26 Organize spice racks by genus and phylum. December 27 Build snowman in exact likeness of God. December 31 New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Hey Bill... Do you talk to your wife while you are having sex?" "Only if there's a phone handy", Bill replied. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two skeletons meet, and one asks the other, "Did you die before the Social Security reform, or after?"... "No, I'm still alive." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A miserably married guy decides he needs some companionship, so he goes to a pet store. The salesman says, " I have a great pet for you. A toothless hamster". The guy says, " Nah." The salesman says, " But it gives great head." The guy takes it home. His wife screams, " What the hell is that thing?" He says, "Never mind what it is. Teach it to cook and then get the fuck out." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor queries. "No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Getting married is like buying a dishwasher. You'll never have to do it by hand again. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The "Tickle me Elmo" factory just got a new employee. One day two guys go to the boss and complain about the new worker. So the boss goes to see the lady and they find her with a lot of Elmo's and a big bag of marbles and some red fabric. The lady is carefully putting two marbles in a piece of red fabric and then sewing that between Elmo's legs. The boss starts laughing and says, "I told you to give Elmo two test tickles not two testicles!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I may be Schizophrenic, but at least I have each other. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- You were so ugly as a baby, your incubator was tinted. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Yo momma so fat we had to hire a RODEO CLOWN to bring in the grocers! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. Why couldn't the G-unit member get on the bus? A. He didn't have 50 cent -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Have you heard they're using lawyers instead of rats in laboratories these days? There are three reasons for this: 1. Lawyers reproduce faster. 2. The scientists don't get attached to the lawyers. 3. A lawyer will do things a rat wouldn't even consider. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- While making love, he says: - Darling, let's do 68! - 68??? What's that? - You do it to me and I'll owe you one. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two friends: - Tonight I am going to organize a group sex session in my apartment. Do you want to come? - Of course! How many people are coming? - Three, if you bring your girlfriend. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A little boy asked his mother: - Mummy, why are you white and I am black? - Donâ??t even ask me that, when I remember that party..., you're lucky you donâ??t bark. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- One man calls emergency: - Come immediately, my little son has swallowed a condom! After five minutes, the same man calls back: - It is OK, I found another one. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. 'No woman,' said one man, scornfully, 'can keep a secret.' 'I don't know about that,' answered a blonde woman guest. 'I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one.' 'You'll let it out some day,' the man insisted. 'I hardly think so!' responded the blonde lady. 'When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever.' -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? A. In case he got a hole in one. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ironic Celebrity Deaths... Ellen DeGeneres - Suffocates in the closet Susan Lucci - Trips and breaks her neck while running up steps to accept an Emmy Jenny McCarthy - Struck by a random thought Frank Sinatra - Killed by Stranglers in the Night RuPaul - Prostate cancer O.J. Simpson - Murdered by the "real killer" in an apparent suicide Madonna - Exposure Unabomber - Mail bomb returned due to "insufficient postage" Al Gore - Dutch Elm Disease Bill Gates - Falls out of a Window -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch. The first case involved a man charged with drunk driving who claimed it simply wasn't true. "I'm as sober as you are, your honor," the man claimed. The judge replied, "Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The defendant is sentenced to 30 days." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. How much will a pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A. A-buck-an-ear -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. Why do you never see chicken in underwear? A. Because their peckers are on their face. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- You're so stupid you missed your bus number 44 so you rode bus 22 twice -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My dick is so big.... Help I'm in labor with a baby elephant, and the trunk's already out! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest. He had no trouble with discipline that term. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- An atheist went to the governor's office to ask about holidays. His complaint was that why does everyone else have a holiday. For example, Christians have Easter and Christmas. The Jewish Have Yom Kippur, etc. The Governor replied "You really want a holiday just for atheists?", "Yes, absolutely!" was his answer. The Governor replies, "Ok, your holiday will be on April 1st". -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- In the convent a young nun went to see the mother superior. "Mother, I want to quit the veil." "But why, my child?" "To become a prostitute." "What? What are you saying?" "I said I want to become a prostitute, mother." "Oh, you had me worried. I thought you said protestant!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A couple goes on a vacation to a fishing resort in Northern Alberta. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors and continues to read her book. Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading a book," she replies, (thinking "isn't that obvious?"). "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her. "I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading." "Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up." "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman. "But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden. "That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment." "Have a nice day Ma'am," and he left... MORAL OF THE STORY : Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can think also. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A redneck, a preacher, and a lawyer are traveling in a car when it breaks down in front of a farm. They ask the farmer if they could spend the night. The farmer said, "Sure, but my guest room only has room for two. One of you will have to sleep in the barn. The preacher says, "I don't mind being with God's animals. I will sleep in the barn." An hour later, there's a knock on the guest room door. It's the preacher. He says, "I can't stand that noisy chicken. Could I switch with one of you?" The redneck says, "There are always loud animals back in Alabama. I can take it." An hour later, there's a knock on the guest room door. It's the redneck. He says, "I can't stand that smelly cow! Could I switch with one of you?" The lawyer says, "Well, I guess that leaves me." An hour later, there's a knock on the door. It's the chicken and the cow. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial: Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene? A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away. Q: Officer, who provided this description? A: The officer, who responded to the alarm. Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers? A: Yes sir, with my life. Q: With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties? A: Yes sir. Q: And do you have a locker in that room? A: Yes sir, I do. Q: And do you have a lock on your locker? A: Yes sir. Q: Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers? A: You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room. With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's Best Comeback! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The little boy kept pestering Grandpa, "Make a sound like a frog. Make a sound like a frog" until finally Grandpa says, "Just why do you want me to make a sound like a frog?" In reply, the boy says, "I heard Mom and Dad talking. They said that as soon as you croak, we can go to Florida." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A guy applied for a job advertised in the paper for a Zoo Keeper and was asked to come in for an interview. The interviewer invited the guy into his office, asked him to take a seat and sat down behind his desk to begin the interview. "So, do you have any experience in this field." the interviewer asked. "Oh yes. I am more than qualified for this position", the guy replied. "And what type of experience do you have then?" the interviewer asked. "I was raised in the Mahale Mountains in Tanzania by monkeys." the guy replied. The interviewer was convinced he had a real nut case here but was interested in hearing his story anyway. Peering over the rim of his glasses he asked, "Ah yeah, what did you say your name was again?" "Jim...Jim Pan-Zee." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The o
What would I need to start a "car part sales business" ? Hello everyone I live in Ontario Canada and I wanted to get something started with my life and I was thinking about starting a business selling car parts. I was thinking about getting them from japan for a cheap price and selling them here for a low price, this is all completely new to me and I just got the idea from my father and was wondering if I would need to have existing contacts in japan or if u can gain them through the internet or from another source. Another question would be about the financial aspect of this. I have bad credit right now and close to bankrupct so it would not be possible for me to get a bank loan, what other options do I have? Also how much would i need aproximatly to start a new business like this one. Not a huge shop just small enough to run something. If anyone can help me out with tips, info, web sites, or anything else would be greatly appreciated. Thanks again
What would I need to start a "car part sales business" ? Hello everyone I live in Ontario Canada and I wanted to get something started with my life and I was thinking about starting a business selling car parts. I was thinking about getting them from japan for a cheap price and selling them here for a low price, this is all completely new to me and I just got the idea from my father and was wondering if I would need to have existing contacts in japan or if u can gain them through the internet or from another source. Another question would be about the financial aspect of this. I have bad credit right now and close to bankrupct so it would not be possible for me to get a bank loan, what other options do I have? Also how much would i need aproximatly to start a new business like this one. Not a huge shop just small enough to run something. If anyone can help me out with tips, info, web sites, or anything else would be greatly appreciated. Thanks again
My husband and I are in a finiancial bind. We have credit card debt due next month but can't afford it. Help? My husband and I started a construction business that flourishes in the summer but in the winter not sooo good. We have been married for a year and own our own home. We got credit cards from Menards and Home Depot to remodle the inside. Now the balances are due and we both have no means to pay them. We don't want to pay the interest at all and we can't even get a loan because we're both 21 and have little credit not "bad credit"....yet. What should we do to get back on our feet and learn from this experiance? I have a job but it doesn't help and we live in the small town of Munising, MI..... everybody knows everybody and all jobs are taken. Help.....Please
Should we give money to poor ppl? ZAKAAT (Alms) Ramadan is the month of giving and benevolence, the Messenger was more benevolent than a falling rain. Muslims are encouraged to emulate the Messenger of Allah (saas), to assess and pay their Zakaat during the month of Ramadan, thus combining the two pillars of Islam at the same time. Zakaat (alms) is the name of what a believer returns out of his or her wealth to the neediest of Muslims for the sake of the Almighty Allah. It is called Zakaat because the word Zakaat is from Zakaa which means, to increase, purify and bless. Who Should Give Zakaat The obligation of Zakaat is mandatory on every Muslim who possesses the minimum Nisaab, whether the person is man, woman, young, old sane or insane. Because the proof of Zakaat in Al-Qur`an and Sunnah is general and does not exclude young or insane. Allah (SWT) stated that: "Of their goods take alms so that thou mightiest purify and sanctify them..." (Al-Qur`an, 9: 103) Imam Ibn Hazim said that every Muslim young or old sane or insane needs to cleanse his or her wealth with Zakaat because of generality of the evidence. Anas bin Malik reported that the Messenger of Allah (saas) said: "Trade with the money of the orphan, lest it is eaten up by Zakaat." (At-Tabraani) In another Hadith `Amru bin Shuaib related from his grandfather that the Messenger of Allah said: "Whoever is entrusted with money of an orphan should trade with it and should not leave it sitting to be used up by charity." (Tirmidhi) The point of reference in these reports is that the Messenger (saas) urged the trustee on the estate of people who due to age or other reasons cannot manage their own financial affairs, to invest it in a business that will yield a return and make it grow until they are in a position to do so themselves. For, if proper investment is not made with an ophan's inheritance, it will be depleted by charity, thus leaving the orphan with little or nothing. The Nisaab The Lawgiver, Allah has prescribed the minimum amount that is obligatory for Zakaat in different ranges of properties, and that minimum amount is known as nisaab. The reason for nisaab is to ensure that no one is forced to give Zakaat out of what he or she does not have, and that no wealth goes without Zakaat. Nisaab is also an insurance against the tyranny of the state to tax the poor and or the neediest as is the case in many countries. Nisaab is a reference point for the average Muslim who is not sure whether he possesses the minimum wealth on which Zakaat is obligatory. The wealthy need not worry about the Nisaab. Zakaat is obligatory on their entire wealth and must be paid out at the end of financial year that they set for their Zakaat. The Nisaab will not be valid unless it fulfills two conditions: 1) The amount that has reached Nisaab must be the excess or surplus known as "faadil" from one's essential needs such as food, clothing, housing, vehicles, tools and machinery that is used in business. The essentials for living are exempted from Zakaat. Although what constitutes nisaab may change from one country to another, the amount that is needed for the basic needs of living in different countries is very similar, because the market place determines the prices, whether it is an official market or a non-official market. In the poorest countries people do without or live below the poverty standard, and that is why many go hungry or without basic essentials. However, we must realize that Zakaat is an act of worship (ebadah) like Salaat. The element of intention (niyyah) is necessary, and we should not overly rely on state agencies to determine for us the requirements of our religious duty. The so called the "consumption basket" (that is poverty level as determined the social security administration which are updated every fiscal year) may not be the same as what Islam considers minimum Nisaab. In the industrialized countries, the consumption basket may include items that are not necessarily essential, such as entertainment, extra clothing, variety of food, eating in restaurant or eating at home, owning more than one car as opposed to having three cars in the driveway, drinking water as opposed to juices, eating regular food or special "health" food. This is why I believe it is essential that we do not lose site of the fact that Zakaat is ebadah of wealth, like salaat and fasting. Non Muslims may consider all the things mentioned above as essentials while Muslims will not. Indeed, no Muslims in good standing will attempt to hide behind the label of consumption basket so as to evade Zakaat. Nisaab eliminates the possibility of injustice or unfair treatment of the Zakaat payer. To suggest that if we do not follow the rules of International Monetary Fund or the arbitrary figures of social security administration or department of agriculture we will be doing injustice to the Zakaat payer is ludicrous. 2) Nisaab must mature, that is the money is not liable for Zakaat unless it has remained a full year in the possession of a person. This is the understanding of the majority of the scholars. Imam Abu Hanifah (raa) said: "What should be considered is the existence of nisaab at the beginning and the end of the Zakaat year set by the payer". It does not matter if the nisaab money increases or decreases during the calendar year, as we will explain later. This condition does not include farm produce, for it is due on the day it is harvested. Allah (SWT) stated: "... But render the dues that are proper on the day that the harvest is gathered..." (Al-Qur`an, 6: 141) According to Imam Al-`Abadi, (raa) Zakaat money is of two kinds: one that by its nature can not be invested and Zakaat of this category is due on the day of harvest. This includes all the farm produce that is liable for Zakaat. The other is wealth that can be invested in the hope of a good return, like cash, gold or silver, because the opportunity is there that cash in one's hand can be invested for a good return. This includes currency investment, merchandise and livestock. Their Zakaat is not due until they have matured in one full year. The proof of this condition is the Hadith related by Ibn `Umar that the Messenger of Allah (saas) said: "He who acquires property is not liable for Zakaat on it till a year passes." According to Ibn Rushd (raa) this is the understanding of the majority of scholars, including the four rightly guided Khalifahs. Zakaat Of Salaries The condition of yearly term maturity applies to the commodities on which the Lawgiver said Zakaat is due, and this includes silver, gold, modern paper currency and livestock. Paper currency is analogous to silver, therefore, it takes the case of silver. There is no Zakaat on salary, earned income from wage earners or professionals or independent contractors until such money matures in a full year. There is no such thing as paying your Zakaat on the day you receive your paycheck. What the wage earner must know is that he or she can purify that money with charity (sadaqah) anytime they cash the paycheck. Allah (SWT) states: "And in their wealth and possessions (was remembered) the right of the needy, he who asks and he who (for some reason) was prevented (from asking)." (Al-Qur`an, 51: 19). We can deduce from the concept of "yearly maturity" of wealth on which Zakaat is due as encouraging, among other things, saving on the part of the Zakaat payer, and enhances the chances for eradicating poverty, because if the poor receives his rightful share of Zakaat there will be the possibility that he can take Zakaat money and invest it and become a Zakaat payer instead of recipient. This possibility will be lost if he receives few Zakaat dollars every month. To say that the wage earner just brings his check home and spends everything on necessities and lives from check to check with nothing left over means the person is eligible for Zakaat. Using farm produce as analogous to salary for Zakaat is wrong analogy. As Imam Al-`Abadi said, these are two different categories of money. $2, 500.00 cash can be invested by the person and expect a good return whereas it will be difficult to invest a bushel of corn. It can be traded as a commodity, which is what it is. This why we must know that analogy has rules that must be followed before it is applied. Certainly the jurists are unanimous that earned income, known as almal al-mustafadah, should either be added to existing money and wait until that amount reaches maturity and then give their Zakaat; or if there is no money on hand the time one possesses this money, he or she should wait one full year before assessing it for Zakaat. Zakaat is one of the five pillars of Islam and a vital element in the religion of Islam. It is the twin sister of Salaat. In Al-Qur`an, Allah (SWT) stated: "So establish regular Prayer and give regular Alms; and obey the Messenger; that you may receive mercy." (Al-Qur`an, 24: 56) Also, "...Establish regular Prayer and give regular Alms, and loan to Allah a beautiful loan...." (Al-Qur`an, 73: 20) "And they have been commanded no more than this: to worship Allah, offering Him sincere devotion, being true (in faith); to establish regular Prayer and to practice regular charity; and that is the religion right and straight." (Al-Qur`an, 98: 5) In a famous Hadith reported by `Umar Bin Khattab (raa), the Messenger of Allah (saas) responded to Jibreel (as) and said: "... Islam is to testify that there is no deity but Allah and Muhammad is the Messenger of Allah, to perform the prayer, to pay Zakaat, to observe fasting in Ramadan, and to make pilgrimage to the house of Allah if you are able to do os...." (Bukhari, Muslim) There is consensus among Muslim scholars that it is mandatory on every believer who is financially able. Whoever knowingly denies this obligation, while he possesses the minimum amount, would be considered a disbeliever and a renegade from Islam. Whoever is stingy, or tries to cheat, is considered among the wrongdoers. Zakaat is mandatory on four categories of items. 1. Farm produce of seeds and fruits, such as wheat, barley, rice, dates, raisins, cocoa, pistachios, coffee, cashews. Allah (SWT) stated: "O you who believe, give of the good things which you have (honorably) earned, and of the fruits of the earth which We have produced for you..." (Al-Qur`an, 2: 267) Also: "... But render the dues that are proper on the day that the harvest is gathered..." (Al-Qur`an, 6: 141) Thus, these two verses and many others indicate that Zakaat is due on farm products that reached the minimum amount (nisaab). No farm product is liable for Zakaat unless it is a product that is considered as food and can be stocked or saved naturally without refrigeration. If the produce is perishable fruit, such as grapes, there is no Zakaat. But if one sells them they will pay their Zakaat on the profit earned when it matures. The nisaab is 612 kilos, which equals 1,346.40 lb. There is no Zakaat on produce that is less than this amount. If the farm produce or crops grow dependant on rainwater, or without any man's labor or irrigation, Zakaat due is one-tenth of the total. If it is grown by irrigation, then the Zakaat due is half of one-tenth of the total produce. There is no Zakaat on fruits like apples or oranges or vegetables which are perishable and need refrigeration for long storage, but they should be considered as any income if the profit earned from their sale reaches the amount of Zakaat, then Zakaat should be given. 2. Cattle, including camels, cows, sheep and goats, that are freely graze and are raised for trade and production. For Zakaat to be obligatory, the number must reach the nisaab. The nisaab of camels is five, of cows 30, of sheep and goats, 40. By freely grazing is meant the animal goes out to feed without the owner buying or bringing it feed or hay. If it is not a grazing animal, there is no Zakaat in the stock by itself. The stock will, however, be considered as articles of trade, then will be assessed for Zakaat as articles of trade when the profit earned from their sale reaches the amount by itself or in combination with other articles of the trade. 3. Merchandise and goods of trade and commerce. This includes anything that is obtained for the business of buying and selling: land, animals, food provisions, fabric, cars, spare parts, etc. This inventory is evaluated annually and assessed for Zakaat, whether the value is the same as the amount spent on it, more, or less. The owners of grocery stores, like any other business, must evaluate every item and give their Zakaat. Simple bookkeeping of inventory, orders, cash on hand, and credits, that is non-delinquent loans, will give one a good picture of the zakaatable assets. But if one is unable to account for everything in the store or shop, he should assess it according to his ability until he is sure that his conscience is clear. There is no Zakaat on what is within one's dwelling or property which includes food, drinks, furniture, houses, animals, cars, clothes and shoes. The only exception is gold and silver. There is no Zakaat on assets from rentals or lease, whether they are apartment units, taxi cabs, etc. That is, there is no Zakaat on the apartment units, buses or cars for rental like yellow cabs company or trucks for rental or equipments. But there is Zakaat on the proceeds or incomes from these rental assets if these assets reach the executable amount, either by themselves or in combination with other assets. Business Activities Many scholars are of the opinion that any business activity that brings any return to the entrepreneur or investor should be assessed for Zakaat. If the activity has a prescribed nisaab, such as gold, silver or paper currency, that nisaab is applied for Zakaat. But if the business has no declared nisaab, its nisaab is the nisaab of commerce, one reason being that most business activities are considered as commerce and because, in actual fact, it is not factitious business name, such as GM, Apple or GE that is taxed for Zakaat, it is the individual investor. We do not tax cooperations such IBM, Apple, GM or Rajihy Bank but the individual investors, share holders and owners of these corporations. Indeed, there are enough rules in Zakaat books to cover all types of business activity, be it cash or risk investment. If the business activity is analogous to commerce, it should be assessed the same rate as commerce. To subject the business to a different Zakaat rate of 10%, which is the rate of farm products instead of its correct rate of 2.5%, the rate of commerce, is unfair and unjustified. Besides, there is no proof, even a weak one, to justify this unfair arbitrary taxation. The difference between 2.5% and 10% is high. The Zakaat system is not like a state revenue collection, but Allah's `ebadah. However, if a business person decides to give more than 2.5% after deducting all the expenses including depreciation, Allah (SWT) will accept it from him. 4. Gold and silver, whether used for commerce or jewelry. Allah (SWT) states: "...And there are those who bury gold and silver and spend it not in the way of Allah: announce unto them a most grievous penalty. On the day when heat will be produced out of that (wealth) in the fire of hell, and with it will be branded their foreheads, their flanks and their backs. This is the (treasure) which you buried for yourselves: taste you, then, the (treasures) you buried." (Al-Qur`an, 9: 34-35). By hoarding is meant refusal to give it in the path of Allah, which includes Zakaat. In a hadith reported by Abu Hurairah (raa), the Messenger of Allah (saas) said: "For the owner or possessor of gold and silver who does not fulfill its obligation, on the Day of Resurrection it will be cast into sheets of fire and be branded on his forehead, side and back. Whenever it cools it is to be repeated for him in a day whose length is the length of fifty thousand years, until the judgement is rendered among the people." (Muslim). By its obligation is meant assessing it for Zakaat. In another version: "No possessor of a treasure who does not give its Zakaat." Zakaat is mandatory in gold and silver, irrespective of its form: in coins, raw or nugget, or jewelry for wearing, or for rent, because of the generality of evidence of Zakaat without any detail. In a report by Abdullah bin `Amr bin `Aas (raa), he related that a woman came to the Messenger of Allah with her daughter. On the daughter's wrist were two heavy gold bracelets. The Messenger asked her, "Do you pay Zakaat on this?" She replied, "No." The Messenger said: "Would it please you that Allah will encircle you with two bracelets of fire?" The reporter commented that she took them off and threw them down in front of the Messenger, and said: "They are for Allah and his Messenger." (Ahmed, Tirmidhi). The Messenger's wife reported that: "The Messenger entered into my house and saw in my hand a huge ring made of silver, so he asked, `What is this?' I replied, `I made them to beautify myself for you, O Messenger of Allah.' He inquired, `Do you give their Zakaat?' I said, `No,' or `Allah willing.' He said: `It will suffice you in the hellfire.'" (Abu Dawuud). Zakaat is due on gold when it reaches the amount of (nisaab), which is 20 Dinaar. According to a hadith, the Messenger said: "No Zakaat on you is due until it reaches 20 dinaar." (Abu Dawud) The Islamic dinaar (currency) is one mithqal, a unit of weight which weighs four and one quarter of a gram. Thus, the nisaab is 85 grams. This is equal to $30.00 US dollars. Similarly, there is no Zakaat on silver until it reaches five oqiyah, because the Messenger said: "There is no Zakaat on less then five oqiyah." (Muslim/Bukhari) Oqiyah is equal to forty Islamic dirhams. The nisaab is 200 dirhams. One dirham is equivalent to 595 grams. The zakaatable amount in both the gold and silver is a quarter of a tenth only. Paper Currency There is Zakaat on modern paper currency because it is equivalent to silver. During the early days of Islam, silver and gold were the currency of exchange minted into dirham for silver and dinaar for gold. Silver, not gold, had a larger circulation. Thus many scholars are of opinion that silver should be the standard for the paper currencies of today because that is more advantageous to the Zakaat payer, as it raises the minimum nisaab whereas gold lowers it. Although both metals are no longer circulated, they are still considered as a security against ever fluctuating paper money. Silver should be used as a standard to assess Zakaat annually, not paper currency, even if the currency is hard currency like the US dollar, Yen and Deutch Mark or Pound Sterling. Because these currencies are backed by political decisions that may not have anything to do with the economy, the value and strength of this paper money depends largely on all haram usury system of interest rates. Thus, the Zakaat payer should look up in the local newspaper's financial or business section for the price of silver which is currently about $3.82. per ounce. The nisaab, then, is 596 x .04=28.80 ounce multiplied by$3.82= 90.91. therefore. The nisaab is about $100.00, as of December 17, 1991. The nisaab should be based on the market value of the currency. If the money is hard currency, there will be no problem, but if the money is a non-marketable currency, like most currencies in the third world countries, the nisaab should be based on the black market, which realistically reflects the value of the currency on the money market. In any case, the silver rate should be used to assess the Zakaat. If the nisaab is determined, the zakaatable amount is 2.5%, or .025 multiplied by the amount. For instance, if the zakaatable amount is $56,000.00 it will be 56,000. x .025 = $1,400.00. Zakaat is due on gold, silver, and or paper currency, whether it is cash in hand or credit in the hands of borrowers. Zakaat is due on debts or cost of merchandize or rental money. If the borrower is a wealthy person that you know will pay back the debt, the lender (that is Halaal lending free of usury) should include that money in the assessment and give its Zakaat. However, one can delay Zakaat on a loan until he receives payment, then return its Zakaat for the past years that he was unable to assess for Zakaat. If the borrower is poor or is refusing to pay the debt, there will be no Zakaat on the money until the lender receives the money. Then he will assess it for Zakaat of one past due year, but there will be no Zakaat in the years before that. There is no Zakaat on precious stones such as diamonds, or metals such uranium, regardless of their value. Gold and silver, of course are assessed for Zakaat. However, if a person possesses any of these stones or metals, he should give their Zakaat like any other articles of trade. If a person possesses diamonds or any other precious stones as an edge against inflation or for ornaments, there will no Zakaat on these. How To Give Zakaat Zakaat may be assessed and returned in two ways: a) Make a record of all money earned, either daily or monthly, which has reached the nisaab and remains in the treasury. The Zakaat of that money would be due one year later on the same day the money was earned and reached nisaab. This means every month's income must be set aside and assessed for Zakaat and so will be the case for the rest of the months. For instance, the income of January, 1991 will be assessed for Zakaat in January, 1992, and the income of February, 1991 will be assessed for Zakaat in February 1992, etc. This method of assessing Zakaat is very difficult because it entails complete bookkeeping of daily or monthly earnings. b) The best way is to set a day or a month, preferably Ramadan, for your annual Zakaat return calendar, say Ramadan 1st, 1412. One year later on the same day Ramadan, 1413, your Zakaat is due and payable. Whatever is in the savings is due for Zakaat, regardless of whether all the amount in the savings reaches a year or not. For instance: if you have $20,000.00 in the savings account on the 1st of Ramadan, 1412 and one year later by the 1st of Ramadan, 1413 there is $50, 000.00, your Zakaat will be assessed for $50,000.00, that is: $50.000.00 x .025= $1,250.00. If, on the other hand, by the 1st of Ramadan, 1413 the amount in the savings is $15,000.00, your Zakaat will be for the amount in the savings, that is $15,000.00 x .025= $375.00. This method is the best because it is easy to assess, meets one's obligation and relieve one's conscience. The Recipient Of Zakaat Knowing who qualifies as recipient of Zakaat is an important aspect of Zakaat collection in Islam. Fortunately, Allah (SWT) has been merciful to us in that He Himself spelled out the people eligible to receive Zakaat. In Surah Tawbah He stated: "Alms are for the poor and the needy; and those employed to administer (the funds); for those whose hearts have been (recently) reconciled (to truth); for those in bondage and in debt; in the cause of Allah; and for the wayfarer: (thus is it) ordained by Allah, and Allah is full of knowledge and wisdom." (Al-Qur`an, 9: 60) In this verse Allah enumerated the people who deserve this divine welfare, and they are as follows: The poor and the needy. These are individuals, and those under their care, to live on. By the poor and needy is meant the people whose income or salaries, or whatever material goods they have, fall short of the cost of living in a given environment and economy. The poor and the needy should be given what will suffice them and their families for one full year. The needy who want to get married and have no means should be given enough for this purpose, and so, too, the student who needs money for tuition, rent, food, and books. The working poor should be given supplementary Zakaat. But the wealthy, or any person with enough income to live on should not be given Zakaat, even if they asked for it. Instead, they should be warned and admonished for asking for what does not belong to them. In a hadith reported by Abdullah bin `Umar, the Messenger of Allah (saas) stated: "A man keeps on asking others for something till he comes on the day of Resurrection without any piece of flesh on his face." (Bukhari/Muslim). This hadith indicates a humiliating appearance before Allah (SWT) that awaits a person who asks illegally. Some said: this hadith implies Allah will punish a person with the very limb, the face, that he used to impress on others to give him their money unlawfully. In another hadith reported by Abu Hurairah, the Messenger of Allah said: "Whoever asks people for their money so as to get rich, he is asking for flames of fire. It is up to him to ask for more or less (he should beware)." (Muslim) This hadith indicates the severity of the punishment, the more one asks the more punishment, the less one asks the less the punishment. In another hadith, reported by Hakeem bin Hizaam said: I begged the Messenger of Allah and he gave me. I begged again, and he gave me. I begged again and he gave me. He then said: "This money is green and sweet; he who receives it from people with a cheerful heart, Allah will bless him in it; he who receives it, with an avaricious mind would not be blessed in it. He will be like the person who eats without being satisfied; and the upper hand is better than the lower hand" (Muslim) This hadith gave an analogy between money and green, ripened fruit that people love to eat. Thus, it indicates that both are greatly loved but easily finished. For money that is easy come easy go, one must be careful about the punishment that awaits the illegal eater. If a person asks for Zakaat and there are no signs of wealth, and he does not know that he should not ask, or a person who is well and able, who can work, but does not; if these people do not know that it is not permissible for them to ask, it may be given anyway. In a hadith reported by Ahmed, Abu Dawud, and Nasa'e, two men came to the Messenger of Allah (saas) and asked for Zakaat. He looked at them closely and found them strong and able, he said, "If you want I will give you. But you should know that the wealthy or an able person who can work has no share in Zakaat" (Ahmad) Those who administer the Zakaat department, assigning people for collecting, bookkeeping, making lists of people eligible for Zakaat, and a financial calendar. These people will receive Zakaat as compensation for their work, even if they are wealthy. This does not include a person who works as an agent for one or two wealthy people to take Zakaat for himself. They should donate their time for Zakaat disbursement and do it with honesty and truthfulness. If they can not, they should be paid or rewarded for their time. In a hadith related by Abu Musa Al-Ashi`ari (raa), the Messenger of Allah said: "A trustworthy Muslim executor is the one who executes completely what has been entrusted to him of Zakaat money in good faith." (Bukhari) That is, he will give the Zakaat money to any of the eligible recipients of Zakaat. He should carry on the duty voluntarily, but if he can not distribute the money without being paid, the Zakaat payer should pay him for his work. The payment for the service of distributing Zakaat should not come out of Zakaat money. The new converts to Islam whose hearts we want to harmonize into the fold of Islam, either because their faith is weak or we are afraid of their being harmed, should be given Zakaat to strengthen their Iman or until we no longer fear their harm. The bonds person who has contracted with his master to buy himself out of bondage deserve Zakaat and should be given enough to pay off their debt to the master and be freed themselves; similarly, Muslim prisoners of war if their freedom is tied to monetary payment, deserve Zakaat sufficient enough to secure their release. On the other hand, if a pearson accidently killed someone and have no means to pay off the blood money, he should be helped from Zakaat funds. The people in debt are of two kinds: (A) The guarantor, who takes the responsibility of someone else's debt so as to reconcile the two warring parties, to extinguish the fire of fitnah between them. If the person requests Zakaat money to pay off this debt he should be given it, which will encourage him to continue in this noble cause. In a hadith reported by Qubaysah Al-Hilaaly (raa), he said I was under debt (hamaalah) and I came to the Messenger (saas) and begged him to help me pay it off. The Messenger told him: "Wait until we receive charity, so we will command that it be given to you." However, the Messenger stated: "O Qubaysah, begging is not permitted except for one of three categories of people: A man who has incurred debt (as guarantor to reconcile blood wit) for him begging is permissible till he pays that off, after which he must stop it; a man whose property has been destroyed by calamity which has smitten him; for him begging is permissible till he gets what will support life or will provide him reasonable subsistence; and a man who has been smitten by poverty, the genuineness of which should be confirmed by three knowledgeable members of his people; for him begging is permissible till he gets what will support him, or will provide him subsistence. Besides these three, Qubaysah, begging is forbidden for every other persons, and one who engages in such consumes that which is forbidden." (Muslim) (B) Whoever incurs debt and has no money to pay it back will be given from Zakaat to help pay his debt, whether the amount is large or small; or his creditor should be paid directly on his behalf, so long as it is paid off. Zakaat can be given in the path of Allah. By this is meant to finance a Jihad effort in the path of Allah, not for Jihad for other reasons. The fighter (mujahid) will be given as salary what will be enough for him. If he needs to buy arms or some other supplies related to the war effort, Zakaat money should be used provided the effort is to raise the banner of Islam. The wayfarer. This is the traveller who in a strange land runs out of money. He or she deserves Zakaat, enough money to take him back to his country, even if he is wealthy and can find someone to loan him the money. On his part, he should take with him on his trip sufficient money, if he is wealthy, so that he will not need Zakaat. Zakaat money can not be used to pay off other obligations, such as giving Zakaat money to people you are obligated to take care of by law; or Zakaat money can not be used to pay for hotel and food expenses. It is, however, permissible to give Zakaat to a wife or family member, provided it is not part of their daily living expense money, but is needed to pay off a debt for one's wife if she can not pay it. So is the case for one's parents if they can not pay their debt. Zakaat money may be given to members of the family for their expenses if one is not obligated to take care of them financially. The wife can pay off a debt of her husband with Zakaat money, because he may be among the eight eligible recipients and she is not obligated to spend on him as he is on her. The eight eligible recipients of Zakaat can be denied their right to Zakaat without proof from Al-Qur`an or Sunnah. In a hadith reported by Ibn Mas`ud, his wife Zaynab heard the Messenger of Allah order women to give Zakaat, so she asked the Messenger (saas): " O Messenger of Allah, you commanded us to give Zakaat, and I have jewelry that I wanted to assess for Zakaat, but my husband Abdullah bin Mas`ud claimed that his son deserves it more than anyone." The Messenger replied: Your husband Ibn Mas`ud is right. Your son deserves your charity more than anyone." In another hadith reported by Salman bin `Aamir, he said the Messenger of Allah said: " Charity to the poor is only charity, but charity to the rest of kind is charity and maintenance of relations (sillah)." (Nisaee) No loan should be written off as Zakaat because Zakaat is taken and given. Allah (SWT) said: "Of their goods take alms...." (Al-Qur`an, 9: 103) And in a Hadith the Messenger has been reported as saying: "Allah has mandated on you Zakaat to be taken from the wealthy and to be given to the poor." Thus, writing off debt is not taken. For instance, If you loan a person money, you can not write off that loan as a Zakaat. However, it could be written off as sadaqah charity. Furthermore, loan, delinquent or not, is considered an absent money, therefore, it should not be transacted in Zakaat. for Zakaat is assessed only in cash in hand. Besides, debt money is valued less than cash in the hand, and using that money for alms is like exchanging good money for bad. The assessor of alms should try to give his Zakaat to an eligible person, but if he makes a mistake and gives it to an ineligible person it is accepted. In a hadith related by Abu Hurairah, he said the Messenger said: "A man expressed his intention to give charity, so he came with his charity and placed it in the hand of an adulteress. In the morning the people were talking and saying charity was given to an adulteress last night. The donor said: O Allah, to thee be the Praise - charity to an adulteress! He then again expressed his intention to give charity, so he went out with it and placed it in the hand of a rich person. In the morning the people were talking and saying charity was given to a rich person. The donor said, O Allah to You be the praise - charity to a rich man! He then expressed his intention to give charity, so he went out with his charity and placed it in the hand of a thief. In the morning the people were talking and saying charity to the thief. So the man said, O Allah to You be the praise (what a misfortune that charity has been given) to the adulteress, the rich and the thief! Then someone came to him and told him your charity has been accepted. As for the adulteress the charity might become the means whereby she might restrain from fornication. The rich man might perhaps learn a lesson and spend from what Allah has given him, and the thief might thereby restrain from committing theft. (Muslim/ Bukhari) http://www.islamfortoday.com/beliefs.htm
What is the relationship between 911 and Saddam? By The Numbers On September 11th, 2001 4 Flights were hijacked. American Airlines Flight 11 which left Boston's Logan Airport bound for Los Angeles before being piloted into the North Tower of the World Trade Center.American Airlines Flight 77 which left Washington's Dulles International Airport bound for Los Angeles before being flown into the Pentagon. United Airlines Flight 93 which left Newark, N.J., bound for San Francisco before crashing in Stony Creek Township, Pa United Airlines Flight 175 which left Boston's Logan Airport bound for Los Angeles before being piloted into the South Tower of the World Trade Center. Why did the mastermind behind the attacks on America of September 11th, 2001 choose these particular flight numbers? MY THEORY ABOUT THE CHOICE OF FLIGHT 93 WAS THAT 1993 WAS THE YEAR IN WHICH SADDAM FIRST TRIED TO ASSASSINATE FORMER PRESIDENT BUSH IN KUWAIT, IT WAS ALSO THE YEAR IN WHICH SADDAM HUSSEIN FIRST TRIED TO DESTROY THE WORLD TRADE CENTER. IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN UNLUCKY NUMBER FOR SADDAM HUSSEIN BECAUSE THE PASSENGERS ON FLIGHT 93 BECAME HEROES AND STOPPED THE PLANE FROM GOING INTO THE WHITE HOUSE. "White House Was Flight 93 Target http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2002/05/20/attack/main509535.shtml May 23, 2002 Volunteers in Shanksville this past weekend. (Photo: AP) The San Francisco-bound jet had turned toward Washington and U.S. fighter jets were flying to intercept it when it crashed. All 44 people aboard were killed. (CBS) A high-ranking al Qaeda detainee told investigators the intended target of United Airlines Flight 93, which crashed into a Pennsylvania field on Sept. 11, was the White House. Government sources said Abu Zubaydah, now in U.S. custody, is believed to be the source of the information. He is being interrogated by U.S. officials at an undisclosed location. Investigators have linked Zubaydah directly to hijackers on board Flight 93. United Flight 93 took off from Newark, N.J., and crashed in Somerset County, Pa.. A recorder on the plane and calls made to people on the ground indicate passengers fought for control with the hijackers before it went down. The San Francisco-bound jet had turned toward Washington and U.S. fighter jets were flying to intercept it when it crashed. All 44 people aboard were killed. Officials previously had assumed the White House was a likely target, but said the Capitol and CIA headquarters in McLean, Va., near Washington were other possibilities.Abu Zubaydah is believed to have played a key role in organizing the Sept. 11 attacks, officials said. As al Qaeda's top operational planner, he ran the Khalden camp in Afghanistan, where U.S. investigators have learned many of the Sept. 11 hijackers trained. This suggests Abu Zubaydah may have had direct contact with the hijackers and chosen them for training. He also had telephone contacts with at least one Arab student at U.S. flight schools, according to a July 10, 2001, memo from a Phoenix FBI agent. The CIA, FBI and Pakistani authorities captured and wounded Abu Zubaydah in a raid by in Faisalabad, Pakistan, in March. He is believed to have masterminded the failed millennium bombing plots in Los Angeles and Jordan, and has been linked to failed plots on the U.S. embassies in Paris and Sarajevo. Abu Zubaydah was also indirectly linked, through a web of associations with other al Qaeda members in Europe, to lead Sept. 11 hijacker Mohammed Atta and his cell in Hamburg, Germany. Three members of the Hamburg cell were suicide hijackers; three others are still at large. Ziad Jarrah, believed to be the pilot-hijacker of Flight 93, was a member of the Hamburg cell." http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2002/05/20/attack/main509535.shtml The first attack on the World Trade Center on February 26th, 1993. The February 26th, 1993 attack marked the 11th anniversary to the day of the declaration by the Reagan-Bush Administration of February 26th, 1982 that Iraq was no longer a state sponsor of terrorism and as such was eligible for American loans and grants, which it subsequently got. The February 26th, 1993 attack also marked the 2nd anniversary to the day of the liberation of Kuwait by the U.S. in the first Gulf War. Remarks at the Commemoration of the Tenth Anniversary of the Liberation of Kuwait Secretary Colin L. Powell Kuwait City, Kuwait (US Embassy) February 26, 2001 The World Trade Center was attacked by terrorists associated with Sheik Rahman on February 26th, 1993. It was Sheik Rahman's group that murdered Egyptian President Anwar Sadat on the 8th anniversary to the day of the 1973 Yom Kippur War, October 6th. Sheik Rahman's son was subsequently found with bin Laden's group in Afghanistan when the U.S. liberated Afghanistan. "White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer: we have real and credible information that the airplane that landed at the Pentagon was originally intended to hit the White House." http://www.whitehouse.gov/news/releases/2001/09/20010912- 8.html#intended-targets American Airlines Flight 77 which left Washington's Dulles International Airport bound for Los Angeles before being flown into the Pentagon. 7/7 is one way to write the date July 7th On July 7th, 1994 Yasser Arafat, PLO chairman drove from Egypt into Gaza, after 27 years in exile. What Arafat was doing was using the date of July 7th to re-write a perceived wrong he had felt some years earlier on another July 7th. It was on July 7th 1986 that the government of Jordan closed the offices of Yasser Arafat's al-Fatah. Because a bus bombing occurred in London on July 7th, 2005 it struck me that the nation that has endured more bus bombings than any other nation is Israel. There may be a connection between the July 7th, 2005 attacks in London and the terrorists who have targeted Israel with bus bombings for years. Recently terrorists in Iraq murdered Egypt's envoy to Iraq. "Zarqawi group reportedly killed Egyptian ambassador in Iraq Iraq-Egypt, Politics, 7/7/2005 News reports from al-Jazeera and al-Arabia satellite TV stations said that Egypt's top diplomat in Iraq to Iraq, Eyhab al-Sharif, had been executed. Meantime, Al-Qaida organization in Iraq, led by Abu Musab al- Zarqawi, had threatened in a statement on the Internet to execute the chairman of the Egyptian diplomatic mission al-Sharif. The threat to execute Sharif came a short time after al-Qaida organization in Iraq issued pictures for the identity cards of the Egyptian diplomat as an evidence that they are the ones which kidnapped him. The statement said the legitimate court of al-Qaida organization in Mesopotamia decided to "send the ambassador of the state of Egypt to the Mujahideen (indivduals from Egypt and other states that go to Iraq to fight with the insurgents) to execute the death penalty against him." The statement considered that "the embassies in Baghdad are but monitoring sites to snipe the arriving Mujahideen and preventing them from having access to their brothers in Jihad in the land of Mesopotamia (Iraq) and in Afghanistan." In an attempt to prove that the Egyptian ambassador is their possession, al-Qaida organization published documents including a driving Sharif's license and a work card for him at the foreign ministry and another one for health insurance. On Tuesday the organization claimed responsibility for kidnapping Sharif." American Airlines Flight 11 which left Boston's Logan Airport bound for Los Angeles before being piloted into the North Tower of the World Trade Center. Saddam Hussein assassinated his first victim when he was 11 years old. Fixated on the number 11 ever since then he easily focused on the World Trade Center as a target because it looked so much like a number 11 that WPIX TV Channel 11 in New York City used the World Trade Center in its logo for years. The World Trade Center also housed an office of the Bank of Kuwait. Saddam used Rahman's group to punish Sadat for failing to defeat Israel in the attack on Israel of October 6th, 1973. Saddam also used Sheik Rahman's group to hit the Speaker of the Egyptian Parliament during the first Gulf War when Egypt sided with America against Iraq. Saddam, acting like a child who is deprived of a toy, who subsequently breaks that toy, set fire to the Kuwaiti oil fields as he was being driven out of Kuwait during the first Gulf War in 1991. "Aired 9/11/2001 "Baghdad Republic of Iraq TV: These are the fruits of the new US order.[Video of explosion rocking World Trade Center] Panic has spread among US official circles, which evacuated the White House following a series of explosions." "CNN LARRY KING LIVE Aired October 2, 2001 LARRY KING: Have you spoken to your father- in-law? (George Herbert Walker Bush) LAURA BUSH: I've spoken to my father-in-law. They were-they had actually spent that Monday night here.(at the White House) I had just seen them off that morning (9/11/2001) when I got in the car and found out about the first plane.(going into the World Trade Center.)" "CNN LARRY KING LIVE America's New War: Laura Bush Discusses the Impact of September 11 Aired October 2, 2001 - 21:00 LARRY KING: A couple of other things: Have you spoken to your father- in-law? (Not in transcript, but the father in law in question is one George Herbert Walker Bush !!!) LAURA BUSH: I've spoken to my father-in-law. They were-they had actually spent that Monday night here. (not in transcript but "here" means at the White House !!!) LARRY KING: Really? LAURA BUSH: I had just seen them off that morning when I got in the-got in the car and found out about the first plane. LARRY KING: Didn't know that. LAURA BUSH: They were-they were on their way to St. Paul, Minnesota to give a speech, and they were in a private plane, and their plane was diverted to Minneapolis." http://www.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0110/02/lkl.00.html "September 11th, 2001 - The White House is evacuated. White House Sealed" http://www.september11news.com/AAWhiteHouseEvacReuters.jpg "try to avoid having the principal travel by commercial airline on terrorist anniversaries" from "The Art of Executive Protection" http://www.securitymanagement.com/library/000450.html " Saddam tried to kill former President Bush in 1993. Former President Bush's Speech to Congress September 11th 1990. 11 years to the day before September 11th 2001 "In the early morning hours of August 2d,(1990),a powerful Iraqi army invaded Kuwait. The crisis in the Persian Gulf also offers a rare opportunity to move toward an historic period of cooperation. Out of these troubled times, our fifth objective-a new world order-can emerge." White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer: we have real and credible information that the airplane that landed at the Pentagon was originally intended to hit the White House." "White House Was Flight 93 Target A high-ranking al Qaeda detainee told investigators the intended target of United Airlines Flight 93, which crashed into a Pennsylvania field on Sept. 11, was the White House. Government sources said Abu Zubaydah, now in U.S. custody, believed to be the source of the information." Perhaps the following may explain how Saddam knew where former President Bush might be spending the night of September 10th-11th 2001: "Like everyone else in the United States, the group stood transfixed as the events of September 11 unfolded. Present were former secretary of defense Frank Carlucci, former secretary of state James Baker III, and representatives of the bin Laden family. This was not some underground presidential bunker or Central Intelligence Agency interrogation room. It was the Ritz-Carlton in Washington, D.C., the plush setting for the annual investor conference of one of the most powerful, well-connected, and secretive companies in the world: the Carlyle Group. And since September 11, this little-known company has become unexpectedly important. That the Carlyle Group had its conference on America's darkest day was mere coincidence, but there is nothing accidental about the cast of characters that this private-equity powerhouse has assembled in the 14 years since its founding. Among those associated with Carlyle are former U.S. President George Bush Sr., former U.K. Prime Minister John Major, and former President of the Philippines Fidel Ramos. And Carlyle has counted, Prince Alwaleed bin Talal bin Abdul Aziz Alsaud of Saudi Arabia, and Osama bin Laden's family among its high-profile clientele." "The White House is bordered on three sides by buildings that are as tall or taller than itself. (OEOB, Treasury, and Blair House.) Beyond these buildings there are still more buildings, that also are taller than the White House. The only flight path that is relatively unobstructed if making a controlled, straight-in approach, is from the south, over the ellipse. Even the Marine helicopter the president uses comes in from this direction and lands on the South Lawn. The problem with flying a plane the size of a 757 or 767 in from this direction is that there's a 555 ft tall structure in the way called the Washington Monument. The Capitol, although a bigger target, is similarly situated. There are buildings on all sides except for the west side, which faces the Mall. Again, for a controlled, straight-in approach, a pilot first would need to avoid the Washington Monument, and then fly straight down the Mall. There is more room to do this, but again, it would take considerable skill. Moreover, the buildings in Roslyn, just across the river from and to the west of the Mall, would have to be cleared, which means the plane's altitude would probably be too high, or the angle of descent too steep to permit a successful attack by anyone other than a skilled, experienced pilot." To indicate September 1990 one might well write or type 9/90 It was in September of 1990 that President George Herbert Walker Bush spoke to Congress on Iraq. On September 11th, 1990 in fact. What of EgyptAir Flight 990? Weeks after the last pile of debris from EgyptAir Flight 990 was pulled from the sea, investigators say they are more convinced than ever of their original theory: The jet was crashed deliberately." "The co-pilot under scrutiny in the crash of EgyptAir Flight 990 uttered an Arabic prayer not once but as many as 10 times just before the doomed airliner went down" "Aviation Analyst John Nance Talks About Flight 990 When a commercial aircraft goes into a dive as steep and precipitous as the preliminary radar data seems to indicate." An example of terrorists striking on an anniversary came on October 7th, 2004 in Taba. "Images of Destruction | Taba Hilton Before and After Terrorist Attack on October 7, 2004" According to initial findings Naveh said, a car bomb blew up at the entrance to the Hilton Taba Hotel and there was a combined bomb and shooting attack in two restaurants usually frequented by Israelis in Ras Al-Satan." http://www.hospitalitynet.org/news/4020867.html On October 7th,2001 "America Retaliates for the September 11 Attacks. October 7, 2001 President George W. Bush Speaks to America After the Strikes Begin. "On October 7th, 1959, Saddam and others attempted, but failed, to assassinate the prime minister of Iraq. Wanted by the Iraqi government, Saddam was forced to flee. He lived in exile in Syria for three months and then moved to Egypt where he lived for three years." http://history1900s.about.com/od/saddamhussein/p/saddamhussein.htm "President Saddam Hussein chairs 48th Cabinet Session Baghdad, Oct. 22, 2001 INA President Saddam Hussein chaired on Sunday the 48th Cabinet session. The Cabinet discussed recent events of Palestinian Intifadha and praised Palestinians brave and persistent struggle for liberating their lands. The cabinet reviewed the current international situation, especially the U.S aggression on Afghanistan. The Cabinet brought back a historic stance Iraq had taken in 1979 when it condemned the military Soviet invasion of Afghanistan though Iraq had then deep relations with the Soviet Union and there was a friendship and cooperation agreement between Iraq and the Soviet Union, yet this had not prevented Iraq from taking the national independent stand rejecting Soviet's behavior. History repeats itself once again in 2001 as Iraq takes the same stance and condemns the US aggression on Afghanistan....this confirms Iraq's principled stance rejecting all forms of foreign intervention and aggressions. The Cabinet discussed issues listed on its agenda and made necessary decisions and recommendations." Saddam loves 11th anniversaries, for instance " Saddam Hussein's speech on the 11th Anniversary of the Great Victory Day In the Name of God, Most Compassionate, Most Merciful Great People, The Valiant of Our Brave Armed Forces, Sons of our Glorious Arab Nationâ?¦" "Middle East Correspondent, Robert Fisk: Why was it that the bombing of the two embassies in Tanzania and Kenya occurred on the eighth anniversary to the very day of the first arrival of American troops of the 82nd airborne in Saudi Arabia in 1990?" "The 12th of October 2002 will for the rest of Australian history be counted as a day when evil struck with indiscriminate and indescribable savagery," "On October 12th, 2000 terrorists in a boat laden with explosives carried out a suicide bombing of the U.S.S. Cole in the harbor at Aden, Yemen. In what President Clinton described as a "despicable and cowardly act," 17 U.S. sailors were killed, and over 30 others were wounded." After the liberation of Iraq terrorists struck the Baghdad Hotel on October 12th. If you add 1 to 9 you get 10. If you add 1 to 11 you get 12. Thus the 9/11/2001 attack was presaged by the attack on the U.S.S. Cole on 10/12/2000. The terrorists were engaging in what to them was a private joke regarding their plans for 9/11/2001. "Iraq has the motivation and the means to actively support the Islamist networks of the region*** In the past, there have been intelligence reports of possible cooperation between Iraq and Osama bin Laden. Iraq has already tried to assassinate President Bush Senior in 1993, when he visited Kuwait as a private citizen. In the attack on the USS Cole in Aden (in) October (of 2000), there could have been an Iraqi connection. Iraq has excellent relations with the anti-Western Yemeni Islamists of the Army of Aden-Abyan, whose militants have been arrested by the Yemenite authorities in connection with the attack. Such an attack required long preparations, technical and military skills and good operational intelligence. In addition, the explosive used in the attack was sophisticated, a "shaped charge" like a torpedo or a missile, a device not in use by terrorist organizations, and which may have come from a military stockpile." 4 DAYS BEFORE SEPTEMBER 11, 2001 Saddam's Stepson in USA "Authorities said Saffi" (Saddam's Stepson), " triggered red flags for four reasons: the family relationship to the Iraqi dictator; training at an American flight school; arrival on the eve of the Independence Day celebrations; and his only documented prior entry into the United States occurred just four days before the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks." "Saddam's Stepson to Be Deported Fri Jul 5th 2002 (Saffi) was planning to study at a flight school believed by the FBI to have been used by one of the Sept. 11 hijackers." "US officials state that an FBI investigation had substantiated charges that the Iraqi government plotted the assassination of former President Bush while visiting Kuwait in April 1993." "Terrorist Pilot Met With Iraqi Intelligence Agent By RICK JERVIS Special to The Wall Street Journal Europe Wall Street Journal, Europe October 4, 2001 [With thanks to Laurie Mylroie - Iraq News] PRAGUE-Mohamed Atta, who allegedly crashed the first plane into the World Trade Center on Sept. 11, met at least one Iraqi intelligence agent last year in Prague before moving to the U.S., a Czech official close to the investigation said." United Airlines Flight 175 which left Boston's Logan Airport bound for Los Angeles before being piloted into the South Tower of the World Trade Center. UNITED NATIONS GENERAL ASSEMBLY 15 December 1988 43/175. Question of Palestine RECORDED VOTE ON RESOLUTION 43/175 A: 123-2-20 Did Anniversary Assassins Strike Again November 22nd 2004 What do you think the chances are that the plane crash which would have killed the 41st President of the United States, George Herbert Walker Bush,had he been on board the plane which was enroute from Love Field in Dallas, Texas to pick him up, on the 41st anniversary of the assassination of JFK 11/22/1963 was a botched assassination attempt? Saddam Hussein, who may be running the show from his jail cell, assassinated his first victim when he was 11 years old, took power in Iraq in 1968, made it official 11 years later in 1979, invaded Kuwait 11 years later in 1990 sent bin Laden to assassinate former President Bush 11 years later on 9/11/2001 on the 11th anniversary to the day of the 9/11/1990 Bush speech to Congress on Iraq in which Bush mentioned The New World Order."US plans to dominate the world under the cover of what is called the new [world] order. These are the fruits of the new US order. [Video of explosion rocking World Trade Center] [Description of Source: Baghdad Republic of Iraq Television in Arabic-Official television station of the Iraqi Government." The World Trade Center looked so much like the number 11 that WPIX-TV Channel 11 in New York City used the World Trade Center as its logo. Note 11 times 2 equals 22. The Madrid attacks were done exactly 911 days after 9/11/2001. Sadat, criticized by arafat and Saddam for making peace with Israel, was assassinated on 10/6/1981 exactly 8 years after the 10/6/1973 Yom Kippur War in which he failed to defeat Israel. The American Embassies in Africa were hit on August 8th, 1998, exactly 8 years after the US entered Saudi Arabia in response to Saddam's invasion of Kuwait. A gentlemanly John Connally reaches to remove his hat as Jackie Kennedy enters presidential limousine at Love Field, Dallas, November 22, 1963 Source: http://mcadams.posc.mu.edu/images/jbc-love.htm The shocking news that narco-terrorists in Colombia plotted to assassinate current President George W. Bush on Monday November 22nd, 2004, the 41st anniversary of the JFK assassination, needs some examination. BCCI, the infamous drug-terror-arms bank that allegedly gave former President Jimmy Carter $10 million for the Carter Library,had offices in Peru, where coca leaves are grown, in Colombia, where the coca leaves are processed into cocaine, and in Castro's Cuba, and Baathist Syria and Baathist Iraq. Banks did not get offices in any of those 3 tyrannies without the approval of the tyrant. "Colombian Rebels Planned to Kill President Bush November 27th, 2004 U.S. National - Reuters By Hugh Bronstein BOGOTA, Colombia (Reuters) - President Bush was targeted for assassination by Colombia's biggest Marxist rebel group this week when he visited the Caribbean port city of Cartagena, a top Colombian official said on Saturday. "According to informants and various sources, we had information indicating that various members of the FARC had been instructed by their leaders to make an attempt against President Bush," Defense Secretary Jorge Alberto Uribe told reporters. He would not be drawn out on the details of the threat. The White House had no immediate comment. The U.S. Secret Service, which protects the president, said it "does not comment or release information regarding our protective intelligence and protective methods." "We do not discuss any alleged threats to our protectees," said Jonathan Cherry, a Secret Service spokesman. There was heavy security in Cartagena when Bush visited the city on Monday(November 22nd, 2004)on his way back from the APEC forum in Chile. Military helicopters packed with armed soldiers flew over Bush's motorcade while naval vessels kept watch offshore. Many shops were shuttered." Source: http://news.yahoo.com/news? tmpl=story&u=/nm/20041127/us_nm/colombia_bush_plot_dc_5 "In early August, 1991, the Committee was provided with documents from the Latin American and Caribbean Region Office (LACRO) of BCCI, describing the offer for sale by the Argentine air force of 22 Mirage aircraft for $110 million. (63) The planned sale was to have been made to Iraq, as part of Saddam Hussein's massive military buildup prior to the Gulf war. BCCI was acting as the broker for the transaction, which was to take place in August or September of 1989...As Robert Mazur, the Customs agent in Tampa who selected BCCI as the target of the Customs money laundering sting testified, BCCI bank executives volunteered methods to enhance and improve his techniques for money laundering, and shortly before the sting ended the operation, offered to introduce Mazur to other potential "cash" customers for money laundering services from Bogota, Colombia...." Source: http://www.fas.org/irp/congress/1992_rpt/bcci/04crime.htm "The Ba'ath leadership gave the orders for Qasim's assassination...On October 7th,1959, a six-,man assassination squad was waiting...the night before one member of the squad had fallen ill. A new recruit was drafted in...his full name was Saddam Hussein al-Takriti." Page 22 "The Ba'athist led forces...participated in the coup of 8th February 1963...Immediately after the coup, Saddam Hussein returned to Iraq, where he was appointed as the head of Al-Jihaz Al Khas, known popularly as Jihaz Haneen (the Yearning Apparatus), the clandestine intelligence organization of the Ba'ath Party. Saddam proceeded to turn it into an instrument of terror....on 18th November (1963) the army seized power in a swift military coup...the new leadership of the Ba'ath Party...was arrested. However, some of its members immediately collaborated with the new regime..." Pgs 25-26 "7th October 1959 A Ba'athist assassination squad fails to kill Qasim. A member of the team, twenty-two-year old Saddam Hussein, escapes to Syria and then to Egypt...8th February 1963 A Ba'athist coup overthrows Quasim amidst several days of terrible street fighting...18th November 1963 Following bitter infighting between...factions of the Baath, Arif overthrows the Ba'athist regime..." Pages 312-313 "Saddam...inherited from his uncle an admiration for Nazi principles...he was attracted to the ideas of the Ba'ath nationalist movement. The movement had been established in Damascus in 1943" (when Syria was a French colony and Hitler ruled France) "by two Syrians, Greek Orthodox Christian Michel A'flaq and Sunni Muslim Salah al-Bitar. Their philosophy was based on the ideology of German national socialism" (Nazism) "and on Italian fascism." Page 199 "After the Ba'ath Party came to power in February 1963...Saddam was promoted into the Regional Command Council and it was soon found that this was his metier. He was put in charge of a special force responsible for terror and assassination and was an interrogator and torturer in the Qasr al-Nihayyat (`The Palace of the End'). Eyewitnesses say Saddam excelled in creating new methods and revealed a sadistically inventive mind. He designed new instruments of torture and then experimentd with them on his victims. ...By the summer of 1963, Saddam was urging the party to put him in charge of creating a special security apparatus modelled on the Nazi SS. This was the Jihaz Haneen....following nationalisation of banks and certain foreign companies in 1964, the Ba'ath Party instructed Saddam to assassinate the president Abd al-Salam Arif. The proposed assassination was designed to trigger off another Ba'ath coup. Critics say it was a plan on behalf of the CIA but according to some Ba'athist defectors the CIA did not have direct contact with the Ba'ath itself but with army officers who were co-ordinating a joint coup with the party. The main contact with the Americans was Iraq's own ambassador in Washington, Dr. Nasser al-Hanni." Pages 201-203 "The second part of the plot was carried out by the Jihaz Haneen...Members of the Iraqi Jewish community...were...arrested. Eleven of them were among the first fourteen `spies' to be pubicly hanged on 27th January 1969....The public hangings turned into a national holiday with live television and radio coverage, and the Ba'ath Party organized the transport of some hundred thousand `workers and peasants' from outside Baghdad to join in...Families picknicked under trees while watching the hangings. This public orgy of death went on for twenty-four hours..." Page 206 Source: Unholy Babylon-The Secret History of Saddam's War by Adel Darwish and Gregory Alexander St. Martin's Press, New York 1991 ISBN 0-312-06530-2 "Compare the January 1969 show trial with another spectacle organized by the first Ba'thi regime in 1963 and designed to counter the continuing popularity of the ousted president, `Abd al-Karim Qassem, among certain sectors of the Shi'ite population of Baghdad. In the first week of the coup, the citizens of al-Thawra, a suburb of Baghdad, had fought the army and Ba'thist militia in some of the bloodiest street battles in the history of the country. They refused to believe that Qassem had been overthrown....The Ba'ath...dealt with this emotive imagery by televising a lengthy film clip displaying Qassem's bullet-ridden corpse. Night after night, they made their gruesome point. The body was propped up on a chair in the studio. A soldier saunter around, handling its parts. The camera would cut to scenes of devastation at the Ministry of Defence where Qassem had made his last stand. There, on location, it lingered on the mutilated corpses of Qassem's entourage...Back to the studio, and close-ups now of the entry and exit points of each bullet hole. The whole macabre sequence closes with a scene that must forever remain etched on the memory of all those who saw it: the soldier grabbing the lolling head by the hair, came right up close, and spat full face into it. The fear that the Ba'th were trying to instill in this and other instances was brutally direct. The centuries-old message was simple: he is dead, you had better believe it, we can do the smae to you. The fact that it was on television extended its reach..." Pages 58-59. Source: Republic of Fear The Inside Story of Saddam's Iraq by Samir al Khalil Pantheon Books, New York 1989 ISBN 0-679-73502-X "An Afghani tends to a field of heroin poppies, the sale of which provides much of the financing for the Taliban and Osama bin Laden. Afghanistan is the world's No. 1 producer and distributor of heroin, and illicit drug trafficking is the biggest funding source for By Rachel Ehrenfeld / Special to The Detroit News About the author Rachel Ehrenfeld is director of the New York-based Center for the Study of Corruption and the author of "Evil Money" (HarperBusiness) and "Narco-Terrorism" (Basic Books). Moving the money... In the welter of events following the bombing of the World Trade Center in Feb. 26, 1993, few noticed that the first man arrested, Mohammed Salamehâ??the poor, unemployed illegal immigrantâ?? offered $5 million for bail. Where could he get this kind of money? The judge refused bail. But was the source of Salameh's offer the same as the one that funded the eight menâ??arrested shortly afterwardâ??who planned to blow up Manhattan's tunnels and bridges and to assassinate public officials? Were the same money sources behind the final attack on the World Trade Center on Sept. 11? ... For a long time, there has been evidence that terrorist, international drug trafficking and criminal organizations use the same fund-raising methods to enrich themselves. Yet no one seemed to connect the dots. And no one seriously tried to crack down on their financing. Bin Laden's is only one among many hostile international criminal organizations, often state-sponsored, that will do whatever they can to diminish the status of the United States as the only superpower. According to a State Department report, the Taliban, who are at bin Laden's service, has the advantage of controlling the world's largest heroin production and distribution in the world. Since the Taliban took over Afghanistan, the heroin production soared to hundreds of tons each year. In 1999 alone, the world production of heroin was estimated at 500 metric tons; 400 were produced by the Taliban and available to fund bin Laden and his associates worldwide. First warning The writing was on the wall on July 5, 1991, when the Bank of England shut down what was the most important Islamic bank in the world, the Bank of Credit and Commerce International (BCCI). This criminal entity was created by the Pakistani Aaga Hassan Abedi "to fight the evil influence of the West"; to help with the creation of the "Islamic Bomb"; to finance all Muslim terrorist organizations; and to launder the money that was generated mostly by illicit drug trafficking and other illegal activities, including arms trafficking. When BCCI went belly up, we learned from thousands of documents that Abu Nidalâ??the notorious Palestinian terrorist organization that now enjoys the hospitality of Iraq's Saddam Hussein, the Palestine Liberation Organization (PLO), Hezbollah and bin Ladenâ??had accounts in the bank. By the end of the 1980s, the "special services" provided by BCCI included access to Western humanitarian and international development funds, as well as drug money laundering, secret transfers of cash and bribes. A "Black Network," a special enforcement unit supported by Abu Nidal and other terrorist organizations, operated from Pakistan. The same Pakistan that harbored bin Laden for many years while its officials told the United States that they didn't know his whereabouts. And the same Pakistan that for decades, even according to the State Department's annual report, had been a major drug trafficking and money laundering center. Western blindness Yet, now more importantly, we also discovered that the American and British governments knew and kept the bank open for a long time. The bank "that would bribe God" was able to get away with its criminal activities for decades due to Abedi's clever portrayal of the Muslim nations as victims of Westernâ??and particularly U.S.â?? "imperialism." And when the bank was shuttered, the accusation in the Muslim/Arab and Third World countries was that the U.S. and the United Kingdom governments closed the bank to curtail the growing fiscal power of Muslim countries. Like Abedi, anti-American, anti-Western terrorist and radical Muslim states and organizations, such as the Taliban, Al Qaeda, Hamas, Hezbollah, the PLO, Iraq and Iran, use Western democratic rhetoric to their advantage. But it is the willful blindness, mainly toward the growing volume of drug money laundering, exercised by Western bankers on the one hand and Western politicians on the other, that makes money laundering possible, despite the many laws and international conventions to control this phenomenon. The BCCI was the first warning to the West. The second warning about the abuse of European and American financial markets by terrorist organizations, as well as their involvement in the illicit arms and drug trade, was made in February 1994 by the British National Criminal Intelligence Service (NCIS). The Organized Crime Unit of the NCIS warned that Middle East terrorist groups and states were targeting the financial centers of London, Frankfurt and other Western countries, and that they favor illegal drug trafficking, money laundering and fraud.... Clinton appeasement Despite its stated policy of not negotiating with terrorists, the Clinton administration went out of its way to appease a few of the 20th century's most notorious terror groups: the Revolutionary Armed Forces of Colombia (FARC), the PLO and the Irish Republican Army. All are heavily involved in the drug trade. On the eve of the 1993 handshake on the White House lawn between Israeli Prime Minister Yitzak Rabin and PLO Chairman Yasser Arafat, Britain's National Criminal Intelligence Service estimated the PLO's ill-gotten gains to total between $8 billion to $10 billion, with an annual income of about $1.5 billion to $2 billion from "donations, extortion, payoffs, illegal arms dealing, drug trafficking, money laundering, fraud, etc." Since then, Washington has only aided and abetted the PLO. Since the start of the Oslo process, Arafat has received at least $3 billion more from the United States and the international community, without any serious demand for accountability, according to a report this year to Congress. Arafat, in well-documented instances, has been systematically skimming off portions of these funds, as he has with monies given to him on behalf of the refugees in the camps. The PLO was in the drug trafficking business almost from the beginning. Operating from Lebanon, under Habash's able leadership and assisted by a PLO-owned shipping company SUMUD, the organization exported hashish, opium, heroin and cocaine, first to Europe and later even to the United States and Australia. In return, it obtained weapons for their war against Israel and the West, and amassed a massive treasure trove. In addition, the PLO and Arafat, who enjoy the financial and strategic support of Hussein and bin Laden, have the distinction of being the organization that promoted "suicide bombers" as a weapon. Yet the Clinton administration subsidized a multitude of radical Palestinian groups, ranging from Arafat's Fatah branch of the PLO and its military wing, the Tanzim, to the socialist-nationalist Popular Front for the Liberation of Palestine (PFLP), headed by George Habash, all with close ties to bin Laden, Iraq and Iran. ...It was the Clinton White House that, despite evidence to the contrary, removed Syria from its list of the drug trafficking countries, to entice Syria to join the "peace process" in the Middle East. The failure of that process and the compromises the United States has made to maintain an illusion of peaceful prospects had no doubt added to the Muslim radical terrorists' resolve to attack what they see as a naive and vulnerable America. In another example of self-delusion, in 1999, then Secretary of State Madeleine Albright suggested a U.S.-led coalition to negotiate with the FARC and supported Colombia President Pastrana's "land for peace" initiative, despite a report from the General Accounting Office that the FARC is running a major international criminal enterprise that, among other things, supplies hundreds of tons of cocaine and heroin to the U.S. black market. This second Clinton "land for peace" initiative gave half of Colombia to the narco-terrorist FARC, while doing nothing to diminish its violence or appetite to control the rest of the country...." Source: http://www.detnews.com/2001/editorial/0109/30/a17-306400.htm Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon called the Palestinian Authority a "gang of corrupt assassins and terrorists." "There is an obstacle [to peace] with the gang of corrupt assassins and terrorists that lead the Palestinian Authority," Sharon said in a televised speech in Israel. "The only way to peace is to remove this murderous posse." â?? Source: New York Daily News - http://www.nydailynews.com Sharon raps Arafat `assassins' By KENNETH R. BAZINET DAILY NEWS WASHINGTON BUREAU Thursday, August 8th, 2002 "Bush back from surprise Iraq trip President Bush has arrived back in the United States after a surprise trip to Baghdad, where he spent two hours with US troops celebrating Thanksgiving Day. Mr. Bush told troops the US would not be swayed by ongoing attacks in Iraq. "We did not charge hundreds of miles into the heart of Iraq, pay a bitter cost of casualties, defeat a ruthless dictator and liberate 25 million people only to retreat before a band of thugs and assassins," he told 600 US soldiers. Source: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/middle_east/3245584.stm "President Bush and his wife, Laura, along with former president George H. W. Bush, welcome the King and Queen of Spain, Juan and Sofia Carlos, to their ranch Wednesday, Nov. 24, 2004, in Crawford, Texas.(AP Photo/Lawrence Jackson)" Source: http://story.news.yahoo.com/news? tmpl=story&u=/041124/480/txlj10111241820 A small jet chartered to fly former President Bush to Ecuador Monday,November 22nd, 2004 was well below normal altitude when it clipped a toll road light tower and crashed into a muddy field three miles south of Hobby Airport, killing the crew of three.The plane, which belonged to Jet Place Inc. of Tulsa, Okla., came from Love Field in Dallas. It was approaching the runway when the wing and the landing gear on the right side clipped the pole on a tollway road....." "Weeks after the last pile of debris from EgyptAir Flight 990 was pulled from the sea, investigators say they are more convinced than ever of their original theory: The jet was crashed deliberately." http://abcnews.go.com/sections/us/DailyNews/egyptair000121.html "The co-pilot under scrutiny in the crash of EgyptAir Flight 990 uttered an Arabic prayer not once but as many as 10 times just before the doomed airliner went down" http://abcnews.go.com/sections/us/DailyNews/egyptair991121.html "Aviation Analyst John Nance Talks About Flight 990 When a commercial aircraft goes into a dive as steep and precipitous as the preliminary radar data seems to indicate." http://abcnews.go.com/sections/us/DailyNews/chat_johnnance110199.html "The White House is bordered on three sides by buildings that are as tall or taller than itself. (OEOB, Treasury, and Blair House.) Beyond these buildings there are still more buildings, that also are taller than the White House. The only flight path that is relatively unobstructed if making a controlled, straight-in approach, is from the south, over the ellipse. Even the Marine helicopter the president uses comes in from this direction and lands on the South Lawn. The problem with flying a plane the size of a 757 or 767 in from this direction is that there's a 555 ft tall structure in the way called the Washington Monument. The Capitol, although a bigger target, is similarly situated. There are buildings on all sides except for the west side, which faces the Mall. Again, for a controlled, straight-in approach, a pilot first would need to avoid the Washington Monument, and then fly straight down the Mall. There is more room to do this, but again, it would take considerable skill. Moreover, the buildings in Roslyn, just across the river from and to the west of the Mall, would have to be cleared, which means the plane's altitude would probably be too high, or the angle of descent too steep to permit a successful attack by anyone other than a skilled, experienced pilot." Imagine the rage and fury of Saddam Hussein "On February 26th, 1982 the Reagan Administration told Congress that it had dropped Iraq from the list of nations that supported acts of international terrorism. Baghdad would now be eligible for American government loan guarantees." source: SPIDER'S WEB: THE SECRET HISTORY OF HOW THE WHITE HOUSE ILLEGALLY ARMED IRAQ by Alan Friedman ASIN: 0553096508 Imagine Saddam's rage and fury when Kuwait was liberated on February 26th, 1991, 9 years to the day after the event described above! Is it any wonder that Saddam would launch the first of his 2 attacks on the World Trade Center on February 26th, 1993, the 2nd anniversary of the liberation of Kuwait City, and the 11th anniversary of the event described above, and that he would launch his 2nd attack on the World Trade Center on September 11th, 2001, the 11th anniversary of the Bush I speech to Congress on Iraq. Saddam loves 11th anniversaries, for instance " Saddam Hussein's speech on the 11th Anniversary of the Great Victory Day In the Name of God, Most Compassionate, Most Merciful Great People, The Valiant of Our Brave Armed Forces, Sons of our Glorious Arab Nationâ?¦" http://www.index.com.jo/iraqtoday/auguste.html Saddam took credit for the September 11th attacks on America on Baghdad Republic of Iraq Television. Saddam sent his henchman Osama bin Laden to attack America and to assassinate former President Bush, who was at the White House on the morning of September 11th, 2001,just as he had tried to assassinate former President Bush in Kuwait in 1993. That is why Flight 93 was selected to hit the White House on the morning of September 11th, 2001. Fortunately the heroes of Flight 93 stopped that from happening and the plane went down in Pennsylvania. Second Attempt to Assassinate President Bush. We all know that Saddam Hussein attempted to assassinate former President Bush in Kuwait in 1993. Laura Bush, wife of the current President Bush, along with the current President Bush's brothers, his parents, and former Secretary of State Baker were actually in the air enroute to Kuwait when the intelligence came in and their plane was turned back. Then President Clinton later bombed an empty Iraqi intelligence building in retaliation for that attempt in which Saddam's homicide bombers were caught in Kuwait. We believe that the Second Attempt to assassinate former President George Herbert Walker Bush was made by Saddam Hussein using his henchman Osama bin Laden on September 11th, 2001. September 11th, 1990 Dubya's Dad Speaks to Congress on Iraq When September 11th Yes ! September 11th 1990. Exactly 11 years to the day before the infamous September 11th 2001 attacks on America. Saddam's Revenge !!! How clear it is!!! "Address Before a Joint Session of the Congress on the Persian Gulf Crisis and the Federal Budget Deficit September 11, 1990. We gather tonight, witness to events in the Persian Gulf as significant as they are tragic. In the early morning hours of August 2d, following negotiations and promises by Iraq's dictator Saddam Hussein not to use force, a powerful Iraqi army invaded its trusting and much weaker neighbor, Kuwait. *** The crisis in the Persian Gulf, as grave as it is, also offers a rare opportunity to move toward an historic period of cooperation. Out of these troubled times, our fifth objective-a new world order-can emerge. ***" READ THE WHOLE OF DUBYA'S DADDY'S SPEECH TO CONGRESS ON SEPTEMBER 11TH, 1990 AT http://bushlibrary.tamu.edu/ "Note: The President spoke at 9:09 p.m.in the House Chamber at the Capitol.. The address was broadcast live on nationwide television and radio." http://bushlibrary.tamu.edu/ Iraq Cheers September 11th Attacks on America "Wednesday, September 12, 2001 Baghdad TV Commentary: US `Reaping Fruits of Crimes Against Humanity' Baghdad Republic of Iraq Television in Arabic 1700 GMT 11 Sep 01 [TV Commentary by Sa'd Yasin Yusuf read by announcer over footage of explosions in New York] [FBIS Translated Text] [With thanks to Laurie Mylorie - Iraq Watch] The American cowboy is reaping the fruits of his crimes against humanity. It is a black day in the history of America, which is tasting the bitter defeat of its crimes and disregard for peoples' will to lead a free, decent life. The massive explosions in the centers of power in America, notably the Pentagon, is a painful slap in the face of US politicians to stop their illegitimate hegemony and attempts to impose custodianship on peoples. It was no coincidence that the World Trade Center was destroyed in suicidal operations involving two planes that have broken through all US security barriers to carry the operation of the century and to express rejection of the reckless US policy. Panic has spread among US official circles, which evacuated the White House following a series of explosions. They also evacuated the Pentagon, the State Department, and Congress and closed down the airports and government institutions. The collapse of US centers of power is a collapse of the US policy, which deviates from human values and stands by world Zionism at all international forums to continue to slaughter the Palestinian Arab people and implement US plans to dominate the world under the cover of what is called the new [world] order. These are the fruits of the new US order. [Video of explosion rocking World Trade Center] [Description of Source: Baghdad Republic of Iraq Television in Arabic-Official television station of the Iraqi Government]" http://www.imra.org.il/story.php3 "BLITZER: That's Osama bin Laden's group. Now you also have some new information, David, about Mohamed Atta. He's the suspected ringleader of the September 11th hijackings. ENSOR: Well, that's right. As you know, he was one of the suicide hijackers who died on September 11th on one of those aircraft. And we had previously reported on September 19th that he met with an Iraqi intelligence official somewhere in Europe. Well, I'm now able to tell you, based on information from U.S. sources, he met not once but twice with Iraqi intelligence officers in Prague in the Czech Republic: once last year in June of 2000 and once in April of 2001." http://www.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0110/10/lkl.00.html Aired 9/11/2001 "Baghdad Republic of Iraq TV: These are the fruits of the new US order.[Video of explosion rocking World Trade Center]Panic has spread among US official circles, which evacuated the White House following a series of explosions." "CNN LARRY KING LIVE Aired October 2, 2001 LARRY KING: Have you spoken to your father- in-law? (George Herbert Walker Bush) LAURA BUSH: I've spoken to my father-in-law. They were-they had actually spent that Monday night here.(at the White House) I had just seen them off that morning (9/11/2001) when I got in the car and found out about the first plane.(going into the World Trade Center.)" http://www.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0110/02/lkl.00.html "Senator Joseph Lieberman: (Saddam) tried to kill former President Bush (in 1993)" http://cnnstudentnews.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0401/25/le.00.html Former President Bush Speech to Congress September 11th 1990. 11 years to the day before September 11th 2001 "In the early morning hours of August 2d,(1990),a powerful Iraqi army invaded Kuwait.The crisis in the Persian Gulf also offers a rare opportunity to move toward an historic period of cooperation. Out of these troubled times, our fifth objective-a new world order-can emerge." http://bushlibrary.tamu.edu/ "(White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer: we have real and credible information that the airplane that landed at the Pentagon was originally intended to hit the White House." http://www.whitehouse.gov/news/releases/2001/09/20010912- 8.html#intended-targets "White House Was Flight 93 Target http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2002/05/20/attack/main509535.shtml A high-ranking al Qaeda detainee told investigators the intended target of United Airlines Flight 93, which crashed into a Pennsylvania field on Sept. 11, was the White House. Government sources said Abu Zubaydah, now in U.S. custody, believed to be the source of the information." "Moussaoui Says He Was to Hijack 5th Plane By MATTHEW BARAKAT, Associated Press Writer (Monday March 27, 2006) Al-Qaida conspirator Zacarias Moussaoui testified Monday that he and would-be shoe bomber Richard Reid were supposed to hijack a fifth airplane on Sept. 11, 2001, and fly it into the White House. Moussaoui's testimony on his own behalf stunned the courtroom. His account was in stark contrast to his previous statements in which he said the White House attack was to come later if the United States refused to release a radical Egyptian sheik imprisoned on earlier terrorist convictions. On Dec. 22, 2001, Reid was subdued by passengers when he attempted to detonate a bomb in his shoe aboard American Airlines Flight 63 from Paris to Miami. There were 197 people on board. The plane was diverted to Boston, where it landed safely. Moussaoui told the court he knew the World Trade Center attack was coming and that he lied to investigators when arrested in August 2001 because he wanted it to happen. "You lied because you wanted to conceal that you were a member of al- Qaida?" prosecutor Rob Spencer asked. "That's correct," Moussaoui said. Spencer: "You lied so the plan could go forward?" Moussaoui: "That's correct." The exchange was key to the government's case that the attacks might have been averted if Moussaoui had been more cooperative following his arrest. Moussaoui told the court he knew the attacks were coming some time after August 2001 and bought a radio so he could hear them unfold. Specifically, he said he knew the World Trade Center was going to be attacked, but asserted he was not part of that plot and didn't know the details. Nineteen men pulled off the Sept. 11 attacks on New York in Washington in the worst act of terrorism ever on U.S. soil. "I had knowledge that the Twin Towers would be hit," Moussaoui said. "I didn't know the details of this." Asked by his lawyer why he signed his guilty plea in April as "the 20th hijacker," Moussaoui replied: "Because everybody used to refer to me as the 20th hijacker and it was a bit of fun." Before Moussaoui took the stand, his lawyers made a last attempt to stop him from testifying, but failed. Defense attorney Gerald Zerkin argued that his client would not be a competent witness because he has contempt for the court, only recognizes Islamic law and therefore "the affirmation he undertakes would be meaningless." Moussaoui at first denied he was to have been a fifth hijack pilot Sept. 11 but under cross examination spoke of the plan that would have him attack the White House. He said Reid was the only person he knew for sure would have been on that mission, but others were discussed. The 19 terrorists on Sept. 11 hijacked and crashed four airliners, killing nearly 3,000 people in the World Trade Center, the Pentagon and on the planes. The intended target of the plane that crashed into a Pennsylvania field remains unknown. Moussaoui said he talked with an al-Qaida official in 1999 about why a 1993 bombing at the World Trade Center failed to bring the towers down. He said "was asked in the same period for the first time if I want to be a suicide pilot and I declined." Just before Moussaoui took the stand, the court heard testimony that two months before the attacks that a CIA deputy chief waited in vain for permission to tell the FBI about a "very high interest" al-Qaida operative who became one of the hijackers. The official, a senior figure in the CIA's Osama bin Laden unit, said he sought authorization on July 13, 2001, to send information to the FBI but got no response for 10 days, then asked again. As it turned out, the information on Khalid al-Mihdhar did not reach the FBI until late August. At the time, CIA officers needed permission from a special unit before passing certain intelligence on to the FBI. The official was identified only as John. His written testimony was read into the record. "John's" testimony was part of the defense's case that federal authorities missed multiple opportunities to catch hijackers and perhaps thwart the 9/11 plot. His testimony included an e-mail sent by FBI supervisor Michael Maltbie discussing Moussaoui but playing down his terrorist connections. Maltbie's e-mail said "there's no indication that (Moussaoui) had plans for any nefarious activity." He sent that e-mail to the CIA even after receiving a lengthy memo from the FBI agent who arrested Moussaoui and suspected him of being a terrorist with plans to hijack aircraft. Prosecutors argue that Moussaoui, a French citizen, thwarted a prime opportunity to track down the 9/11 hijackers and possibly unravel the plot when he was arrested in August 2001 on immigration violations and lied to the FBI about his al-Qaida membership and plans to hijack a plane. Had Moussaoui confessed, the FBI could have pursued leads that would have led them to most of the hijackers, government witnesses have testified. To win the death penalty, prosecutors must first prove that Moussaoui's actions â?? specifically, his lies â?? were directly responsible for at least one death on Sept. 11. If they fail, Moussaoui would get life in prison. ___ Associated Press Writer Michael J. Sniffen contributed to this report source: http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20060327/ap_on_re_us/moussaoui_14&printer= 1;_ylt=Ags6isPJuz93w2EYYRP9gnVH2ocA;_ylu=X3oDMTA3MXN1bHE0BHNlYwN0bWE-
what should I do? I had a 2005 Grand Prix and traded it in for a 2006 300 c, the small dealership we bought it from told us that he would like to be paid for the new car within 5 business days, we did, but he never paid our old car off which he bought from us for 11,800.00 now we are late on a payment for the old car which we no longer have and it's making our credit look bad. This trade in and new car purchase took place almost 20 days ago, what's the deal? Oh and he still hasn't sent us the title so we can register it here in the state we live in, and our bank that we got our loan through is wondering wear the title is. what do you think is going on? this dealership is in Ca. and I'm in Az. the drive is at least 5 to 6 hrs. away
* Some answers may have been provided by Yahoo! Answers.